Things I Think About When I Should Be Working

Remain calm and look at this giraffe.

2012-01-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

I would like to let the people of Tucson in on a little secret.
People of Tucson,
This might come as a surprise to you.
You should know that you do not need to slow down for speed cameras.
I know.
It's pretty shocking.
A real game-changer.
You can cruise right past those cameras-
get this-
at the posted speed limit.
I'll let that process for a moment.
I don't want to rock your world too much,
but you can actually even speed past them.
Yep.
Unbelievable, I know, and yet- true.
Trust me.
Next time you're out and about,
and you encounter a speed camera,
just give it a try.
Resist the urge to slow down to 5 miles below the limit.
You don't have to sneak past them.
Just act cool.
Drive normally.
Live a little.
You might like it.

I know the people of Tucson don't read this blog but if I don't vent about this minor annoyance here I might have road rage.

Let's all just be calm.

Why don't we just look at this giraffe.
Why hello, giraffe.

You are lovely.

As Cold As The Clay

2012-01-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

When I'm going to church, I turn onto a road called Pecos Way.
Pecos Way makes me think of Pecos Bill Rides a Tornado.
For some reason I can't quite explain,
Pecos Bill rides a Tornado reminds me of The Streets of Laredo.
Then I have to sing The Streets of Laredo.
What a strange, depressing song.

It's a weasel.

2012-01-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

You can stop holding your breath now because I am finally ready to show you my Thanksgiving photos.
Thank goodness, I know.
Anyhow.
Let's see what I have in my little bag of tricks.

Fall leaves.

Turns out I'm kind of obsessed with headstones, etc. Just look at how pretty they are. And creepy!


Jefferson Davis surveying his territory, or something.


Extreme close-up of a grave angel.

Sooo...I guess that's that. Ha. A lot of buildup over nothing, huh? This is my blog, that's how I roll.
Ok, I just made up a New Year's resolution to keep this blog filled up with interesting, frequent posts.
Nah, not really. But I will try harder. Because maybe you are bored at work and you need something to read and maybe I can help you. I understand that. Do de do. Bored already, friends, bored with this already.

Why, hello there.

2012-01-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

It seems I've neglected to post anything for the past, oh, two months.
Oops.
My bad.
It's just that I've been so busy ~~drinking coffee and drawing pictures of dinosaurs~~ ~~having awesome adventures~~ being incredibly lazy.
It happens.
I kept meaning to post pictures from Thanksgiving in Virginia, you know, to pacify you until I could come up with something more entertaining, but those pictures keep magically not showing up on the Internet even though I tried to put them there many many times.
They're here now, though. So, a few months later...
We saw some foliage. Fall-ish!
Oh, so I just went to add the photos and only like half of them are online. Boo! Dear Warren Buffett, please buy me a new laptop that isn't a piece of junk.

Whatever, now I'm over it. Here, we went to this plantation and the sky looked like that and the tree looked like that and that's not the house, it's the kitchen, but whatever.

Maybe later the rest of my pictures will decide to show up and you can see leaves and headstones. Lucky you.

Packing.

2011-11-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

When you live in Tucson, you hardly ever need to check the weather. You can assume it will be sunny and warm, and you'll usually be right. You can wear a light cardigan and you'll usually be fine. You can wear flip flops and your toes will usually remain intact and unfrozen.

When you're from Tucson and you're taking a trip to a place with actual weather, packing can be somewhat of a challenge.

It starts out reasonably. I'll take dressy jeans and casual jeans. Some sweaters. Tank tops, a cardigan. A pair of flats. Mix and match.

Then you see that new sequined top. Well, that has to come!

Then it's like, oh, I might want a scarf. And my fall boots! I definitely need my boots. Ok, but then I need skinny jeans. And I can't not take a black cardigan. And some casual t-shirts. And a hoodie! Yoga pants. Flip flops, of course. Long sleeve t-shirt to wear under the casual t-shirts, in case it's too cold for short sleeves.

And then my head explodes.

This is why I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow and haven't started packing. I think I need a life manager. Meanwhile I'm just going to eat some cake.

Not really. As if I have cake at the office.

PS. I just overheard my coworker make a phone call and say "How does Blue Cross feel about breast implants?" Hahahaaaaaa. I'm guessing they like them, I mean, who doesn't? Ha. I kill me.

105 Photos of the Grand Canyon

2011-11-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

Please enjoy 105 photos I took of the Grand Canyon last weekend.

JK JK JK. I'm not really that crazy.

But here is a bird.

And another one:

Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore.'

Anyway, you get the point. Canyon-y. Lovely. That is all.

This one time, in Monaco...

2011-10-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

Just kidding. I don't have a story about Monaco. Actually I totally do. Suffice it to say it ends with the tour guide saying, "No, guys, you don't do that! Not in Monaco!" Ah, good times. Would you like to see a picture of Monaco? Yeah well, too bad. I don't have one. Just use your imagination. When you do, imagine a bunch of wine glasses shattered all over the cobblestone street. Then you'll have a good picture of Monaco.

I wish I could tell a story that was all, "She had murder in her eyes," because I think that would be an interesting story. Maybe I'll look at someone with murder in my eyes and then tell you guys about it. Maybe I'll make a painting of it too. Probably not.

I saw this thing on Facebook where supposedly Uncle Warren was telling us (the people) to start a chain letter to make an amendment to the Constitution to fire everyone in Congress. Or something like that. Of course I didn't pass it on because I know Uncle Warren is not slumming it on Facebook, starting chain letters. Give me a break. Look, Warren Buffett, if you want to send me some money for not signing your fake chain letter, that would be fine with me. It might even be a nice gesture since I'm sort of defending you on my blog, which has at least 7 readers. And if you send me money I won't even give it to my congressperson. I'm sayin'.

Do you want to talk about the new Coldplay CD? ZOMGS dudes, I can't believe it's been out since Monday and I haven't even mentioned it. Yeah well, it's all fine, but nothing on there is going to displace anything on my hypothetical Top 10 Coldplay Songs of All Time list. But if you want to sample something, I'll recommend Paradise, which is slowly growing on me like a fungus but in a good way, but which perhaps you've heard because it's a single and maybe they play it on the radio but I don't know because I only listen to KLOVE because it is positive and encouraging, and even though Coldplay is positive and encouraging, they don't play it on KLOVE. I'll also recommend Us Against The World, which perhaps you could find on Youtube but I don't know because I own the album, duh.

I have to finish this up now so my sister can read it before she leaves work because it's Friday and her neck hurts but mostly she just wants to leave work early, even though it's only 3PM there and good workers stay at least until 4 on Fridays. I'm sayin'.

Cacti is a stupid word anyway.

2011-10-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

Target sells groceries now. I don't care about that because I don't buy groceries, but on the way to work I passed a billboard advertising this new development. It said "Cacti, meet cucumbers." What kind of marketing genius came up with that one? Really? Yes, until you started selling vegetables, we'd never seen a cucumber. We're just a bunch of javelina, really, scrabbling around in the underbrush for a prickly pear. For realz. Target, you are stupid. I mean, I love Target, don't get me wrong, I'm there like 4 times a week, but seriously. It doesn't even make sense. Now if it was a cactus nursery that had introduced a produce department, that would be the perfect sign.

Side note, my spell check doesn't understand javelina. Trust me, spell check. It's a word.

I guess that's all I have to say about that.

They kind of look like Swedish fish.

2011-10-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I have eye rabies or something and I'm probably going to go blind in my left eye. If it's not eye rabies then at the very least it's a corneal ulcer- that's a thing!- and it's so annoying. And I haven't even been sleeping in my contacts so I don't know what the deal is. Whatever. No wonder I never get any work done. Too busy dealing with eye rabies.

I was trying to MS Paint a picture of a compy dinosaur for you guys. Compys are cool because they're turkey sized and mean, I think. Or maybe they're not mean, I don't know, I'm not a dinosaur expert or anything. In any case I couldn't get it to come out right so no compy for you today. I hope you weren't waiting for it. Well obviously you weren't because it's not like I was all, stay tuned to this blog for a painting of a compy! But maybe I should do that. I bet my paintings will be worth a lot of money if this eye thing doesn't work out and I end up half blind. I'm just guessing half-blind MS Paintings of dinosaurs are worth a lot of money. Like, at least $3. Warren Buffett, you may want to get in on this action.

Here's a little tip for robot telemarketers. Program your caller ID thing to say something other than "Voice Messaging". If any robots are reading this blog- no one takes a call from Voice Messaging. It's a dead giveaway that it's just some shady robot. There you go. Free advice. You're welcome.

It's weird how at Taco Bell everything is made from the same ingredients, just in different shapes. And by weird, I obviously mean awesome and delicious. In fact, I think I will draw a picture of a taco now. Please hold.

Ok, the taco is ready. It looked really stupid so then I gave it eyes and a little red mouth. Please enjoy. Taco Time!

And today I accidentally dressed like a slutty schoolgirl.

2011-10-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be writing this bio for our office website. We're trying to be more friendly or something, I don't know. Anyway, this is what I've got so far:

VP of Service (because on the Internets you can be anything you want) Erin has been with the company since 2007. She holds a bachelor's degree in hotel and restaurant management from Northern Arizona University, where she graduated summa cum laude. She is the recipient of the prestigious "Beacon of Knowledge" award from Geico and was listed in Who's Who Among American High School Students many times in the '90s, except her parents would never pay for the book because it's a complete money-suck that doesn't actually mean anything. When she's not phoning clients to ask invasive questions about their medical history, Erin enjoys drawing bears and dinosaurs in Microsoft Paint and posting them on the internet. She also likes baking delicious treats and dedicates vast amounts of time and resources to improving her rather substantial shoe collection. DINOSAUR! RAWR!

If that doesn't inspire confidence in a company I don't know what does.

Disappointment of the Tyrant King

2011-09-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

I made some more art for you. This is kind of a sad piece because...well, I'll just let the art speak for itself.

Art

2011-09-27T12:21:00.002-07:00

I was bored so I made this painting of camping. Please enjoy.

I will respect the results of the duel.

2011-09-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

I just got a FedEx overnight urgent package containing ten MetLife pens.

It's been that kind of week.

On Tuesday a guy came in selling the world's best chocolate. His Christian church sells them to raise money to put prostitutes in homes or something like that. I'm a little fuzzy on the details because I was working. By working, obviously I mean I was moving papers from one part of my desk to another in an effort to look busy and let him know that his unsolicited soliciting was a big inconvenience.

Chocolate Guy: Would you like to buy the world's best chocolate so prostitutes can have homes?
Me: Not today, thanks!
Chocolate Guy: What about them? (Gesturing to my boss & coworker who were in the back room.)
Me: They're in a meeting, we better not interrupt.
Chocolate Guy: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No. (This is the wrong answer. Always say yes. There is no need to be honest with the chocolate guy.)
Chocolate Guy: Can I get your number?
Me: Oh, no, I don't think so.
Chocolate Guy: Do you have a Facebook?
Me: I don't, actually. (Lies, lies, lies.)
Chocolate Guy: What if I give you my number? Then you can call me and we can text and maybe hang out.
Me: No thanks!
Chocolate Guy: Ok, well, you're very beautiful young lady.
The End.

So weird. I mean...just so weird. What kind of guy asks for a girl's number like 45 seconds after seeing her? Just...why? Based on what? And what kind of girl says yes? Yes, I would like to date a guy who sells candy bars for a living. Well, ok, I totally would like to date that guy, let's be honest. But not the door-to-door candy bar orange-haired guy. Too strange. Kudos for having the guts to ask though, I suppose. At least it gave me something to put on this blog before you all forget I even have a blog. So there's that.

Indulge me.

2011-09-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

This is something I've been thinking about. It's not funny or particularly in line with this blog and there are no dinosaurs or Coldplay so if you're not interested in that you should probably stop reading right about now.

So.

What is keeping me from an intimate relationship with God?
Is it the desire for significance outside of Him?
Is that like telling the infinite God of the universe that He is not enough?
If I had more, if I were prettier or skinnier, if I had a boyfriend or more friends or a nicer house or a newer car or a better job, would that be enough? If I made more money, volunteered more often, sacrificed more, watched less TV, took better care of myself, would I find what I am looking for?
How do you find significance in God? How, when we live in a society that pounds it into our heads that our significance lies in possessions and good works and the opinions of others?
Hmm?

More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music.

2011-09-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

My roommate and I have a Wii. We needed it because...oh, let's be honest, because I have no impulse control and I wanted it so we could play video games and never accomplish anything productive. So, like the rest of the world, but 5-25 years behind schedule.

Regardless, now we have a Wii. And we have games. One of these games is Just Dance. That's a game about, you guessed it, dancing. The premise is that you just dance. Dance dance dance, just like the little figure on the screen. Awesomeness (or hilarity) ensues. Fun!

Turns out what I always knew to be true is still true- I'm a terrible dancer. Terrible. I have no rhythm at all. My roommate claims to also be a terrible dancer but all I know is that we have dance-offs and she wins. By approximately 6,000 points. I just waive my arms around wildly and hope to hit the right move on occasion. She tries to help me by instructing me to act like the person on the screen is a mirror, but it doesn't work. I just stand there staring at it, confused, because although my brain sees the moves on the screen, my brain cannot then pass the message to my limbs to copy them. It just does not compute. I don't know if this is genetic or what but it's a pretty bad situation, except possibly quite entertaining for anyone who happens to witness it.

I think I was going somewhere with this but then my sister showed me this:

And now we are busy thinking what we'd name our tiger cats. I'd name mine Shere Kahn or possibly Scott. She'd name hers Azkabar. I really need that cat.

I'll Try Harder

2011-09-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

Not that you probably care too much.
But I will try harder to put something here.
So you can read it.
In case you are bored.
Or want to feel superior.
By reading about my inferiority.
Just kidding.
I'm only going to write about being awesome.
I win.
I can't get this thing out of my mind.
It's a cake pan.
I am obsessed with cake pans.
I have so many that my roommate barely has space for her food.
Or her linens.
Because the cake pans have pushed other kitchen-y things out of the kitchen.
And into the linen closet.
Thank goodness for cedar chests or we'd be in real trouble.
But this cake pan- you guys.
It's so cute.
It's mini layer cakes.
I know, you're thinking you've seen this before.
But you're wrong.
These are even tinier than those mini layer cakes.
Like, one inch cakes.
Tiny, tiny layer cakes.
Can you imagine the cuteness?
I can't get it out of my mind.
I'm going to buy it at lunch.
If it's gone, I will be so sad.
So sad.
I may never recover.
One time I got this rabbit cake pan.
It was on sale for $2.95.
I had to buy it.
I brought it home.
I had a different roommate.
She rolled her eyes at me.
She didn't understand.
I told her about the deal.
I told her I had to buy it.
Because of the low, low price.
She didn't understand.
But I've used that rabbit cake pan 3 times.
Totally worth it.
So at lunch I will buy a tiny layer cake pan.
Then I will bake tiny layer cakes.
They will be adorable.
I will win at tiny cake making.
If only my oven worked...

Ho Hum.

2011-09-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just want to drink fine champagne and set things on fire?
Yeah, me either. That would be weird.

Boom. Roasted.

2011-08-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

Today the girl at Starbucks knew my order without me even having to say anything. At first I was like "Oh, yeah, I'm a regular!" and then I was like, " I buy way too many overpriced lattes." But they are just so good...

It feels like fall. In my mind, that is. It doesn't actually feel like fall. But in my mind it's fall and I want to wear tall boots and sweaters and scarves, and drink hot chocolate and eat pumpkin muffins and set things on fire.

Just kidding about that last part. Clearly there is no season for setting things on fire.

Alas, this is Tucson and it will be at least 2 months until any of that comes to fruition. Oh well. Someday.

I have a new scheme and the scheme is, I need a Wii. I mean, I totally do not need a Wii but suddenly I feel like I must have one. Maybe one will show up at my door- a video game miracle! Probably that would only happen if I were to order one but then it's not really a miracle, it's just the power of Visa plus UPS.

Anyway I'm going to Alaska on Thursday so you probably won't hear from me for a while or forever if I happen to get eaten by a bear while I'm there. Fingers crossed!

The Tyrant Lizard King

2011-08-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

I came to write a blog because everyone hates a blog that's never updated and because I'm bored even though I have tons and tons of things I can be doing. I just can't do those things while I'm at work, because they involve cleaning out the garage and moving furniture. Anyway then I got distracted by a link to a blog by this guy who watches the movie Julie and Julia every day and writes about it. And even though watching a movie three times, much less 365 times, is like my worst nightmare after being eaten by a Carnotaurus, the blog is pretty funny so the point is I am just now getting around to getting in here to make a post.

Just now there was something on my desk, like crumbs or something, and I went to blow them off and ended up spitting all over. Gross. So then I had to get the Windex and then I remembered we're not supposed to Windex these desks because it messes up the finish. This is why I should leave the cleaning to the professionals.

Ok, a UPS man just came in the door and it was not the normal UPS man which I'm pretty upset about. I like the usual man, he asks about my vacations and knows my name. This new guy was all, "UPS here." Um, yeah pal, I can tell you're with UPS on account of the giant brown truck you drove up in, and your brown shorty-shorts, and the package you're delivering that says UPS Express Envelope on the front. Plus he talked in deep voice and didn't take his sunglasses off. And they always try to hand the pen to my right hand. Look here friend, stop discriminating against me because I'm left-handed. So for all that I signed extra slowly and neatly to throw him off his schedule. Ha! Take that.

I'm not really scared of being eaten by Carnotaurus. That would be ridiculous. On my dinosaur flashcards, Carnotaurus looks really scary, like this:

When I saw him I was like whoa, that is way scarier than T-Rex, I am surprised he is not more popular.
Then I looked up Carnotaurus on Wikipedia and he looks like this:

And that's basically like a mean chicken with gimpy arms. So I have mixed feelings about Carnotaurus. So...that's all. I'm going to punch my coworker now because it's punch a coworker day. I'm just kidding, it isn't really. That was yesterday.

Not at all like having a dinosaur.

2011-08-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

There's a rogue lizard terrorizing my living room and possibly my bedroom and my cat is of no help at all. My friend was like, "Oh, just leave it alone, it's like having your own little dinosaur." But it's not like that at all. Because dinosaurs are awesome and fierce and lizards are squishy and unpredictable and can't even walk upright.

Just now I was munching on some chocolate covered espresso beans, because I am fancy. First I ate cheese and grapes for lunch, then I munched on espresso beans. Anyway I ate a tiny one and it turned out not to be a chocolate covered espresso bean at all, rather it was a chocolate covered rock. I was not amused. I saw this show on TV about this woman who was addicted to eating rocks. She ate a rock every day. When I watched it I was like, ugh, how can she stand those rocks on her teeth? And now that I've eaten a rock, I'm like UGH! Rocks on your teeth is gross! It's like a leadless mechanical pencil scratching on a post-it pad. Shiver-inducing. Not pleasant at all.

This is completely not related to eating rocks but I just heard my co-worker advise someone that he can use his HSA account to buy a seeing-eye dog. Hahahahaha. That's insurance humor, right there. You know what else is insurance humor? And by humor I mean, you have to laugh or you'd stab yourself in the face with a Bic pen? I have this group I'm working on and the lady emailed me and was all, what's up with this, the carrier has me listed as a man. So I emailed the carrier and told them hey, that person is a woman. Then the carrier emailed back and said, that person has always been listed as a man, for 2 years. Can you triple-check that it's a woman? What the heck, insurance company? What do you want, photographic evidence? It's no wonder people hate insurance companies. Totes ridics.

Have you ever watched that episode of NewsRadio where Bill McNeil's desk turns into the office dumping ground? Well, I think that's happened to my desk. I was away for a moment and a random pencil appeared on top of my files. And a half-empty can of Diet Coke. And a business card with peanut buttery fingerprints. Excuse me while I go vomit. It's not really a mystery as to where these items came from, but it is a mystery as to why they are on my desk. Maybe I will throw them in the trash.

I think maybe chocolate covered espresso beans and rocks give me a headache. I'm going to google it. Meanwhile, you should probably enjoy this picture my friend took of a tiny dinosaur standing next to a rape whistle. I am strong. Rawr!

Oh yeah, this old thing.

2011-08-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

Oh, remember this blog? I had to pull a bunch of weeds and stuff just to get in the door.
That wasn't funny. Sorry.

Uhhhhh.
The thing is, I haven't got any material for you all. Nothing to report. No humorous anecdotes. No MS Paintings. No moneymaking schemes. Just...life. Plain old life.

I turned 30. I had a toga party. It's funny to tell your friends they have to dress in a bed sheet for your birthday party. It's even funnier when they actually do it. Now that, I believe, is love.

I'm getting a roommate. Housemate. Actually it's my cousin so it's not some random roommate business. There's no space for her currently because I have entirely too many possessions and I'm unwilling to part with most of them. This is a good exercise for me. Also I will have to start wearing pants and not putting my shoes on the kitchen table.

I made that up. I don't really put my shoes on the table. Well, maybe sometimes I do. Probably not. Don't judge me.

I just want to drink coffee and watch kitten videos on Youtube.

I think I might have finger rabies or something. If I lose my finger it's going to be really hard to push buttons.

Wow, it's like I'm on drugs except I'm totally not. I think you should just look at this bear picture for a while.

Payback.

2011-07-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

Remember that time I put a bunch of pink flamingos in my friends' yard? And it was funny, because flamingos are pink and cute and easy to remove?

Hmm, yes, well, those friends decided to get me back on Friday night when I naively left my car parked at another friend's apartment and then went across town to watch a play and eat creme brulee. I arrived back at my car at 2AM to find it covered in flour. And mustard. And, I would later find out, butter-flavored oil for making popcorn.

And I laughed- because it was funny, and harmless, and ridiculous. They drew dinosaurs and cats and flamingos- you have to laugh at that. Pretty clever. Well-played, I thought, even though it was way more of a hassle to deal with than a small flock of flamingos. I'm a good sport, though, so, whatever.

Until Saturday morning when I went to run errands and remembered that my car was covered in mustard. No problem, I thought to myself, I will scrub that off. Except you can't really scrub that stuff off. Oh no, not when it's dried. And PS, mustard is disgusting. It smells like, well, mustard. Old mustard in a hot garage- not delicious. So I scrubbed and scrubbed to no avail. I resorted to using a spatula to scrape the windows clean, then I had to go to the car wash to really get it clean. Then I had to run a bunch of errands and by the time I finished that the gem store was closed and I didn't get to make any rings, which was my whole plan for the weekend.

So Owen and Josh, I hope you're happy.

JK JK JK. Heh. It was funny. Props for your creativeness. I'm just saying, certain people may want to sleep with one eye open from now on. This is war.

I just need a bunch of kittens.

2011-07-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was at the grocery store and some people were giving away kittens out front. They had a whole shopping cart full. And by full, I mean there were 5 or 6 kittens in there. You guys cannot even imagine how cute those kittens were. They were all tiny and grey and sleepy and I really wanted them. But I already have one cat and she is bad and has claws and is the reason I can't have nice things.

I tried to get my dad to take one or five kittens home but he was like, "Grr! I hate kittens! Kittens are the scourge of the earth!"

No, he didn't say that. He said "I like outdoor cats."

So I came up with this plan where he gets all 5 kittens and leaves them outside. Then they mate and have more kittens and it's like kittens, kittens, kittens, everywhere! A constant supply of kittens!

My sister, the fun-sucker, was all, "Then we're those people." Implying that the world at large has something against people who hoard cats.

Oh, wait, it does.

I explained to her that this is when the 2nd part of my plan comes into play- the part where most of the cats wander off and are eaten by coyotes.

She wasn't wild about that part of the plan either.

Some people's children. I swear.

I told her it was the circle of life. She didn't buy it.

In the end, I did not get a single kitten. I did get to hold one for a while, but that was like eating one potato chip.

Life is so unfair.

Then I made myself feel better by looking at this cute raccoon I saw at Bearizona. So that helped.

So maybe I'm like 14 years old.

2011-07-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever visited 5 different Target stores in one day, buying up every pink plastic flamingo in the greater metropolitan area?

No, me either. I wouldn't know anything about that.

If you do find yourself in need of a large quantity of flamingos on short notice, I'd recommend Kmart. Even if you call and the lady says they don't have them. Even if she says they have frogs and chickens, but no flamingos. Don't believe her. They have flamingos. That's how Kmart is.

If you buy flamingos at Target, they might not have legs. That's okay. You can use plant stakes.

If you live in the desert, it doesn't matter if your flamingos have legs because you can't get them into the hard ground anyway.

If you're going to execute a middle-of-the-night flamingo attack, dress in black. That makes you feel like a ninja.

I'm pretty sure it's impossible to be upset when you find 16 flamingos in your front yard. I mean, just look at them, all pink and adorable.

Yay, flamingos.

Out in to nothin'.

2011-06-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

I think prior to Sunday the scariest thing I've ever done in my life is ride a donkey down the side of a volcanic island in Greece. I really thought that donkey was going to kill me. He was stumbling down the trail, slipping here and there, smashing me into walls, etc. When we made it to the bottom, I didn't stop shaking for like 2 hours. It was terrifying.

On Sunday I went skydiving.

Riding a donkey is still the scariest thing I've ever done.

Oh, you know what? It turns out I don't feel like writing about skydiving after all. False inspiration; my bad.

Loose Ends

2011-06-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

I called to schedule my skydiving adventure and the guy I spoke to seemed to take great pleasure out of giving me way too many details. "We'll fly up ten or fourteen thousand feet," he said, "The door will be open." Uh-huh, uh-huh. "Then you free-fall for sixty to ninety seconds. At 120 miles per hour." No problem, you joker. "This whole thing will be on video. Don't freak out, you don't want to become viral." Nope. Don't want that. I was relating my story to the friend who is also going skydiving and apparently he didn't get any such speech. I guess I'm just lucky.

The other day my boss was going through the mail. "Does anyone want a free hearing test?" he asked. "Huh?" I said. I don't think he got the joke.

I saw a dead cockroach at my house and didn't pick it up because yuck, cockroaches are gross. Then after like 3 days I realized my coworker was not going to show up my house to dispose of it so I threw it in the trash.

I got distracted in the shower and put body wash in my hair instead of on my body.
Nothing happened, except I wasted body wash.

There are 3 new Coldplay songs on Youtube now. Well, maybe 2. I forget if I told you about the first one. You should listen to them, in any case, because it will probably make you feel pretty cheerful. Not because they are cheerful songs, necessarily, but because they are shiny and new and Coldplay. Duh.

I just want to make tiny cupcakes and elaborate sugar cookies and cakes with multi-colored layers. I do not want to look at bills or explain copays or research drug tiers. Is that so unreasonable? And while we're on the subject, why does spell-check always argue with me about copays? Copays is a word! Copays is more than one copay! I don't know how else to get that across.

I was supposed to draw my best friend today, for the drawing challenge. I'm not in the mood to draw today. Drawing in MS Paint is actually pretty difficult- I know I make it look easy. JK JK JK. Oh. I'm actually not supposed to say JK JK JK anymore. Apparently people find it annoying. Ha, hard to imagine that.

Time to lay off the caffeine.

I win again.

2011-06-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

I just realized it's the 1st day of summer. Good thing because 110 degrees in spring is just unacceptable.
It's also my parent's anniversary. I was going to post a nice Happy Anniversary announcement on Facebook the way so many of my friends do, and then I realized my parents aren't on Facebook so that's kind of just me bragging that my parents have been married a long time, probably longer than your parents, so, I win at having married parents.

Additionally, if I were to be married today, I'd be in my late 60s by the time I reached the anniversary my parents are at now and they are not in their late 60s. So, they win at being married.

My parents read this blog so I'm allowed to post nice happy anniversary announcements here. If I want. Or maybe they'd rather not be associated with this blog. That's a possibility. Happy anniversary, mom and dad, I hope it's all you dreamed of and more.

Ok, it's day 4 of the drawing challenge which is supposed to be my favorite place. I have a lot of favorite places, like Disneyland and Greece and the mall, but for today my favorite place is the Grand Canyon. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? It's pretty much the most beautiful and amazing place you will ever see. It looks exactly like all the pictures only a million times better, and you will just stand there at the edge going, "..." because you will be speechless because there are no words. So that's all.

It's really hard to draw the Grand Canyon. It doesn't look anything like this. So if you haven't been to the Grand Canyon (and you should- you really should go), then please don't base your opinions on this MS-Painting. I promise it is better than I have depicted it.
Actually, this looks like framed desert camouflage. I'm sorry. It's really pretty terrible. Oh well.

No Stanley, you'll live forever.

2011-06-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

I'm tentatively scheduled to go skydiving on Sunday so if you don't hear from me after that you'll know it didn't work out. And by "didn't work out", I mean, I smashed into the ground at a high rate of speed and am either dead or all broken into pieces. I'm not really concerned about it but certain people keep trying to scare me out of it, like jumping out of a plane is completely unreasonable. Whatevs.

Day 3 of the drawing challenge is my favorite food and here I have rendered for your viewing pleasure some ice cream, some pizza, and some peanut M&Ms. The M&Ms kind of look like jelly beans but take my word for it, they are M&Ms. I am sure I have more favorite foods than that but I lost motivation halfway through painting and just filled in the background. So it's not very visually pleasing. I think in the future I will just draw as many dinosaurs as possible because when I look at my dinosaurs it makes me really happy.

Did you know that I am a 9 year old boy? You do now.

So anyway, here is day 3. Nobody has any comments about my paintings so I suspect you don't appreciate fine art the way I do. That's ok. Not everyone can be sophisticated. It takes all kinds, you know?

Day 2

2011-06-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

I know I said I probably wouldn't draw new things every day but today you got lucky because I am suffering from extreme boredom and I was in the mood. So here is a MS Paint rendering of the Drawing Challenge Day 2: Your favorite animal. And I should clarify, apatosaurus nee brontosaurus is not really my favorite animal. (That is totally not how you use the word nee but I wanted to use it so I just did, so get over it.) I mean, how can you pick just one animal? What about adorable kittens? What about thumb monkeys? What about the other dinosaurs? There are just so many to choose from. So I picked the one that would be easiest to draw and that's all. So if any other animals are reading my blog, don't be upset. It's not personal, it's business.

Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, I give you: Apatosaurus standing near palm.

Oh, also, he's purple because I felt like making him purple. So deal with it.

And since I hate when you go to a blog and it's nothing but a random drawing of a purple dinosaur...oh wow, I just realized I practically made Barney. Jeez, that's embarrassing. Oh well. As I was saying, blogs with just pictures are boring so here are some words to entertain you as well.

Enemy Anemone
dongle

I kid, I kid, although those words are pretty entertaining.

Uh.

Yesterday I put a cup of coffee in the freezer to make it icy and then I forgot about it and of course it froze solid so I've spent the better part of the morning chipping away at it with a spoon. It's amazing how slowly coffee thaws.

Also today there was a dead cockroach in the middle of the office and since I do not like to pick up dead cockroaches, just in case they are not really dead, I just walked around it every time I had to pass by. I did it like 10 times. Finally my coworker either took pity on me or realized it's unprofessional to leave dead bugs lying around in the middle of the floor and cleaned it up. And he didn't even chase me around with it in a tissue the way he normally does. So that's a forward step in our relationship, I think.

Well anyway, I'd love to sit here and regale you with tales of dead bugs and pedicures, but I have to go to the store to pick up a Father's Day present which will almost definitely be late, especially because I forgot that I already decided not to mail it because it's fragile and will probably break during shipping. So just enjoy the finer nuances of my MS Paint-ing and I will be back soon with Day 3.

Quicker Chickens + BONUS!

2011-06-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

I think I suffer from some variation of dyslexia where I substitute random incorrect words when reading. My versions are usually a lot funnier than the real ones, though...in my mind, anyway. Today I saw something that said "For Quicker Chickens" and I was all, wait, what? Quick chickens are funny and maybe cute, I don't know. But it really said "For Quicker Check-Ins" which, on further reflection, makes a lot more sense, especially since I was on an airline website at the time, but is not even remotely funny. The other day I thought the Old Navy return policy was that clothes must be uncrushed. I guess uncrushed isn't even a word. Unwashed is, though, and that's their main requirement. Sometimes the world is just so ordinary.

I think I accidentally just bought a pair of strappy gold sandals with 5 inch heels. And by accidentally I mean totally on purpose.

I also bought a plane ticket to Alaska but I won't even pretend that was an accident.

Oh, and I bought a skydiving thing because it was kind of a deal and I finally found someone who will go with me.

I am excited about all of these things. Don't you think life is way better when you have a lot of things to look forward to, like jumping out of airplanes and hooker shoes? I sure do.

Ok, well, I am bored and I saw this thing and thought it was funny so now I am doing this 30 day drawing challenge and you can all enjoy my lovely MS Paint Renderings. But I'm not going to do it every day in a row because sometimes I don't really feel like rendering things in MS Paint and I do have a life, you know. But we'll call this day 1. Self portrait. Ha. Everything is so much better in MS Paint. Hilare.

I copied this from a picture of me at a fancy wine party. I edited out the wine though, to make it appropriate for all audiences, and also because I got tired of painting and didn't feel like drawing a hand and a wine glass and all that. It's my painting, I do what I want. Please enjoy.

Poetry and Other Things

2011-06-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

My cousin is moving to Tucson so I spend a lot of my free time perusing Craigslist, hoping to find just the right place at the right price and in the right area. It's harder than it sounds. Or maybe it sounds hard, which would be accurate. In any case, I came across this listing today, which is just pure poetry. Probably not intentionally, but I love it anyway.

Hi
I have a 1 bedroom condo at Barcelona Manor;
Next to the swimming pool; cool nights.
Also near Tucson Mall; Shopping; Clubs; Bars and Rest.
New Tile Floors and private parking.
If you want more info call me.
George

I mean, seriously. Do Craigslist ads get any better than this? I think not. I know not, actually, because I've read a million of them.

I guess I lied when I said there were other things. There are no other things. Today there is only poetry. Happy weekend.

Don't Bother Me.

2011-06-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

I'm crabby.

Not really, I just wanted to write that. And post this picture. Poor crab. He lost his claw. Or maybe someone ate him. He does look a little...boiled. In any case. I'm not crabby today, and here's why.

It's Friday. Weekend!
There's a new Coldplay single out. I've listened to it 5 times this morning.
I added coconut extract to my blended coffee drink and it was a genius move.
I get to see my friends, who I haven't seen for 2 weeks. 2 whole weeks!
Tomorrow I'm having a spa day.
I'm wearing new shoes.
Also, new earrings.
I woke up early and worked out. Because I felt like it.
I might go swimming tonight.
I might go hot tubbing tonight.
Pinterest. Do you know Pinterest? I spend way too much time pinning things. Oh, all the lovely things.

Here, enjoy another vacation picture. You're probably going to have to endure this until I find something else to think about, so get used to it.

From now on, maybe.

2011-05-31T12:51:00.000-07:00

From now on, I only stay in houses with names.

And I only vacation at beaches that aren't jam-packed with people.

And I only drink moonshine that tastes like apple pie.
Inexplicably, I did not take a picture of this. It came in a mason jar. It was awesome.

From now on, I visit picturesque lighthouses.

I watch smoky sunsets from the deck of pirate-themed restaurants.

I wear more bug spray.
I relax more.
I complain less.
I am more grateful.
I am more hopeful.
My outlook is much improved.

Just because you're paranoid...

2011-05-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I had this book, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. It was pretty cool, full of scary stories. To tell in the dark. There was a story in the book about a girl who was driving home at night when a car behind her kept flashing his lights and driving really close. He followed her all the way home and when she got to her house she jumped out and was all scared that he was a psycho and then he was all, no! I'm not a psycho! There's a killer in the back seat of your car and I could see him and every time he'd get ready to stab you in your head, I flashed my lights and he ducked down again. Then of course they looked and there was the killer, hiding in the back seat of her car, and she was saved by the guy who she thought was a psycho. Ok, it's been a while since I read the story so I'm foggy on the details and I'm sure it was much more thrilling in the book. Anyway, because of that story, every time I am driving at night and someone shines their headlights in my back window (as is apt to happen when you are, oh, driving on a road), I think they're trying to save me from a killer in the back seat. But of course I'm never brave enough to actually check the back seat. Chances are if I turned around the killer would stab me in my face.

Also. Whenever I am driving behind a truck that's full of cars...that sounds weird. You know, like a tow truck? Or a truck hauler. Or a truck carrying logs or pipes or cows, whatever. I am always a little afraid that the whole load is going to fall off and smash me. That hasn't happened yet but I figure it's only a matter of time.

The other day I was discussing with my friends how in my parent's living room there are exposed beams. When watching TV, etc. I liked to line myself up between the beams so that in the event that one suddenly became dislodged, I wouldn't get smashed. Alternately, I'd lie (against my better judgment) perpendicular to the beams and consider whether I'd be wounded or killed should the beam drop. Head shot- dead. Stomach- probably dead. Legs- crippled, but alive.

Just me, then?

I am constantly surprised that there is only one E in judgment. How did I make it this far in life without knowing that? And by this far, I mean 29 years, not like I've come so far and am so wildly successful and wise that I should know how to spell all the words. I mean, I should know how to spell all the words- no excuse for bad spelling, I always say. Just kidding, I made that up just now. I'm such a phony.

No Explanation.

2011-05-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

Every morning on the way to work I pass this old guy on a motorcycle driving in the opposite direction. I can tell if I'm running early or late based on where we meet. There's something I find very satisfying about it; seeing the same stranger day after day. I don't know. It makes me feel like a part of this place, or something mushy and emotional like that.

Today at lunch I went to the store. On my way back to the office, I passed the motorcycle guy. We weren't anywhere near our normal route, but it was definitely him. Same little motorcycle, same white helmet, same grey beard, same tie blowing over his shoulder.

It made me unreasonably happy. I grinned like a fool all the way back to the office.

A Theory

2011-05-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to Target during my lunch break. I told my coworker where I was going, but not my boss or his wife because I don't need to and didn't feel like it.

When I came back, my coworker told me that while I was out, his mom asked if I was seeing anyone. She had been wondering but didn't want to ask me because she didn't want to be nosy. We had a good laugh over that one. But it did get me wondering just why she'd be asking.

These are my theories.

1. I am happier than normal. (Except I'm not. If anything, I am grumpier than normal, at least at work.)
2. I leave for lunch a lot. (That is because I have things to do, and because I need to escape. Not because I have hot lunch dates.)
3. I am fatter than normal. (This is true, but it's just due to not being depressed and regaining my appetite, not because I am seeing someone who is taking me out to eat a lot.)
4. I talked about going to the used building supply store with friends. (That did happen, but I am not seeing those boys.)
5.I talked about going hiking a lot. (That happened too, but I'm not seeing those boys either.)
6. I am texting a lot. (That's not texting; I'm playing Words with Friends.)

So, I don't know. I hope it's not #3.

This was a lot funnier in my head.

These Things Have Occurred.

2011-05-03T16:20:00.000-07:00

I dropped a hair straightener on my foot. It is an expensive hair straightener. I couldn't let it hit the floor. It burned. Today I accidentally scraped off the burned skin whilst putting on my shoe. That hurt too. Now I have an open goopy foot wound.

I bought 2 pairs of shoes in the past week. I'm sure I'm well into the 70s by now. It's either a sickness or totally awesome, I can't decide which.

I got another dinosaur shirt. I think I have 5. I think I might actually be an 8 year old boy but the jury is still out on that one.

I received a letter from my HOA. Not about the weeds, for once. This time it was about tree debris. I wasn't sure if they were referring to the leaves from my (HOA-approved) messy tree or the sticks from my (HOA-approved) dead lantana, which is not a tree at all, but rather than arguing semantics with these people I just cleaned it all up. I didn't do it with a happy heart though. So take that, HOA.

I told a boy I liked his face. He said, thank you. It was almost just like on Friends. I hope that boy doesn't read this blog. Maybe he does. Probably not. But maybe? I doubt it though. If he does, oh well. I already liked his face, I can't embarrass myself much more. Maybe if I licked his face. I would never lick someone's face but when I write liked, it makes me think licked, and licking is more embarrassing than liking.

I've started a new diet where I consume only cheesecake and coffee.

I'm just kidding. I didn't. But that would be a fantastic experiment.

I have obtained a straw cowboy hat to wear at the beach. I'm sure people wear cowboy hats to the beach...right? I'm going to, anyway. I bet it will be so cute. Or ridiculous. I'm good with either one.

When I say obtained, I definitely just mean that I went to the store and bought. I was trying to make it sound like my entire week has not been spent making up for not shopping for all of Lent. I don't want you people silently judging me on the fact that I have 70 pairs of shoes and a straw cowboy hat and some people don't even have any dinosaur t-shirts. Not even one.

I use too many commas but I just like them so much. I need my commas.

I'm on strike against excessive punctuation. Multiple exclamation points and question marks make me twitch. I'm just putting that out there.

I may do something that is against my better judgment. It's under consideration.

I'm re-evaluating my stance on coconut thanks to Starbucks' Mocha Coconut Frappuccino. It's almost like a Girl Scout cookie. With coffee. And no caramel. It's tasty and expensive and should definitely be a part of the cheesecake and coffee diet.

I'm going to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by eating chips and salsa and drinking strawberry margaritas. You should too. Of course, I celebrate most Thursdays by eating chips and salsa and drinking strawberry margaritas, and I think you should too.

Earlier I had a bad attitude about work, but don't worry because I've straightened up.

I still have drums. They're still awesome. I still only know how to play the CVHS fight song and Wipeout. It's not very impressive but it is loud so I count it as a win.

I'm too busy to write any more. I have faxes to fax and forms to review and files to file and fun to have.

Royal Pain.

2011-04-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 3:00 on the dot this morning and although I didn't ever plan on watching the Royal Wedding, I figured the 3AM wake-up might be some kind of sign. One day I might need to tell my children about I remember watching that on television, at 3 in the morning, and it was just like a fairy tale.

These are things I was thinking about, watching a wedding at 3AM.

-That's a really long aisle.
-I bet that dress is heavy.
-Of course her sister's name is Pippa. In every book I've ever read that takes place in England, there's always a girl named Pippa.
-Oh, the little brother has turned out quite nice, actually. At least he still has hair, but too bad being saddled with a name like Harry.
-If I was becoming a princess, I'd wear a bigger tiara.
-I don't know any of these songs!
-They should've saved the vows until after all this preaching and singing. That's the only part people care about so what's the motivation to stay tuned in now?
-I wonder if it's weird getting married in a place knowing the walls and floors are stuffed full of dead people.
-Oh, that was nice that they sang America the Beautiful.

Hey, I didn't claim to have intelligent thoughts at 3AM. Just that I had thoughts.
Anyway, now I have a headache and I blame those jokers for getting married in the middle of the night.

Unrelated, but I think I forgot deodorant today. Fortunately we have some in the office. Unfortunately it's Speed Stick- Adventure scent, or something along those lines. Pretty sure I smell like a man now. Fantastic.

Eggcellent.

2011-04-27T09:48:00.001-07:00

Would you like to look at some eggs?

I thought you might.

I'm happy to oblige.

They are tie-dyed. Dyed with neckties. Not dyed by hippies. Yuppies, not hippies.

That was fun.

Thanks for looking at my eggs.

I'll be back with a real post as soon as something post-worthy happens.

Humph.

2011-04-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a long post that included pictures, anecdotes, and other bits of goodness. You would’ve really liked it, I think. But then the phone rang, and my coworker, in his usual lazy way, refused to answer it. I swear, it’s like his arms are broken or something. So he’s declared mutiny on answering the phones (even though it’s the stupid Sun Trust robot calling to tell him to pay his bills) and I got super irritated and deleted the whole post in a fit of passive-aggressive rage, which doesn’t even make sense on account of he isn’t even aware of this blog and didn’t know I was writing it or that I deleted it. Whatever. Now when the phone rings it’s going to be a battle of wills as to who can hold out the longest but the point here is that you can thank my coworker for this stupid post.

While I come down from my anger high, you can read this sort of funny email exchange I had with my sister, who, by the way, I have received 496 emails from in the last 13 days. It’s a wonder I ever get any work done, truly. Not that I’m blaming her- I’m fully an instigator here. I just think it’s awesome.

Me: Yesterday I decided to trim back that giant lantana because it is at least 80% dead. Now my legs and arms are all clawed up and I have a blister. It’s pretty funny. My legs were bleeding from scratches.

G: I got all scratched up trimming a bush a few weeks ago. I looked like I had been attached by a really mad cat.

Me: Yeah, that is how I look. And I was wearing a too-small yoga top under a t-shirt and then I took the t-shirt off in the garage before I went inside because it was covered with sticks and stuff. Then I changed into shorts. Then I went to take the trash out with my stomach half showing and my butt hanging out and the neighbors were out in their driveway. Ha. The guy was like, “Good afternoon”. And I was like, “Hey”, and ran back inside. Then I played my drums.

G: Ha ha ha ha.

Me: I was hoping they’d hear me playing and be like, “Even though that girl was spilling out of her clothes, apparently she has drums so that’s cool.”

G: They were probably like, “Ugh, not only is our neighbor totally trashy but she has loud drums too.”

Me: Those were probably their words, but it was more like- “Heck yeah, we have a trashy neighbor and she has loud drums!”

End scene.

Oh yeah, and this happened:

2011-04-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

This morning on the way to work the car in front of me had a coffee mug on the roof. I thought it was glued on there. I followed that car for some distance, pondering why you'd glue a coffee mug to the top of a fairly decent car. I mean, it's kind of funny, but it's not really the sort of thing that people will freak out about. If it was a gallon of milk, or, I don't know, a baby, then people would probably be concerned. They'd try to get your attention and flag you down and you could act all oblivious, and maybe that would be funny. But a coffee mug, eh, I just don't think people would be too worried about your coffee. Then at some point that car went over a bump and the coffee mug flew off. Coffee and mug shards went everywhere. I'm glad I wasn't tailgating because I probably would've gotten a mug through the windshield and coffee all down through my sunroof, but since I was following at a safe distance, I just laughed. Poor lady probably didn't know what happened, like the time I left a cutting board on my roof. Ha. Mondays are awesome.

On Friday I went to the fair with my friends. The fair is weird. There are lots of overalls and mullets and the like at the fair, but it was pretty fun. I spent a lot of time looking at the goats. A lot of the goats were wearing little shirts- I guess goats get cold? A little girl was holding one of her goats and trying to teach my friends and I about it. I said something about a sheep and she's like, "This is a goat." She was probably 9 years old. It was awesome. My favorite goat was this tiny tiny baby in a pink sweater. It was adorable. The other goats were frolicking around and the pink one was just so little. So cute. Here's a picture, but you can't see pink goat that well. At least you can see other goats in sweaters. That's cute too.

Another thing I did this weekend was almost die. Yep. I went on a night hike with my friends. I knew it was going to be difficult but I had myself convinced that I'm more or less in shape. Well...false. I really thought I would die. Going up was hard because it was still daylight, so it was hot and steep and slippery. And coming back down was even worse because it was steep and slippery and also dark. It was really fun and the views from the top were amazing, and the sunset was nice and the moonrise was nice and all that was quite nice. But fearing that I might lose my footing and tumble into a cactus at best and over the edge of a cliff at worst was not all that nice. Plus today my legs are so sore I can hardly walk. Whine whine whine. Anyway, here are some pictures from the hike, taken with my new camera but not by me which is why they're not awful.

Sunset:

Moonrise:

Hiking down:

The end.

When it started, we had high hopes.

2011-04-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like a lot of funny things happen in my life but they don't translate very well into blog posts.
It's like, first I'd have to explain all the people to you.
And then the situation.
And probably the back story of how the situation came to be.
And then I'd tell the funny story.
And to make sure you were getting it, I'd have to re-explain what made it funny.
If it takes that much effort, maybe it's not that funny to begin with.
Like, the other day we were sitting around a campfire.
Ok, it wasn't really a campfire.
It was a fire pit.
Regardless, I said, let's tell ghost stories.
And this one girl started telling a story.
And I was like, wait a minute, isn't this the plot of Paranormal Activity?
Which, you know. It was. And that's funny.
But reading back...maybe not?
Someone else told stories.
Supposedly true.
Scary stories, about Robert the Doll.
And a dead wax lady.
We were like, that is not true! Look it up!
And another guy said, what do I google?
And someone said, Dead Wax Lady! Dead Wax Lady of Key West!
And that was funny too.
(Don't google that, though. You will be sorry.)
So, I think you can see how this would be funny in real life.
Another part that is funny is that we weren't even invited to that fire pit party.
We kind of invited ourselves.
We showed up with our own food.
We put it on the grill. At a party we crashed.
So, that's funny.
Or maybe it's just rude.
Eh, it seemed funny to me.
I just love these people.
But I'm not going to tell you who they are.
That would be too much work.
And it's not that interesting.
Just that they are funny people, and they make me laugh.
And sometimes we sit around the fire pit and tell scary stories on a Sunday night.
That's a good life, actually.
I'm pretty thankful.
Oh, look at that.
Funny and poignant, all in one blog post.
I win.
Warren Buffett: Please send funds.

You've Got A Fast Car...

2011-04-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

I found out that on Youtube you can get this Coldplay playlist that plays like 40 Coldplay songs, one after another. It's like Pandora, only better, because it's only Coldplay. But then suddenly it started playing Radiohead and that is unacceptable, so I'm back to my usual method of hand-picking songs. Sigh. Side note- Coldplay song of the day is Proof. It's not on any album or anything, I don't think, so you just have to find it on Youtube and play it on repeat. Not that I do that, or anything, because that would be crazy.

Yesterday I went to Eegees for some delicious fries with ranch (not to be confused with ranch fries) and an Eegee. It's Orange Dream month. Orange Dream is my favorite flavor of the month after Peach & Berry, which I guess is discontinued. (I have a plan for that, though.) Anyway I went through the drive-through which I never ever do, but I was feeling lazy so whatever. The point is, I got back to the office and realized they'd given me strawberry and lemon, rather than strawberry and orange dream. Um. Vom. Lemon Eegee is full of lemon peel. Giant pieces of it. It's so gross. I think I would go so far as to say that lemon Eegee is an abomination. Yes, yes, I would go that far. I'd send them an e-mail but I already e-mailed them yesterday about why they should bring back Peach & Berry, and I haven't even gotten a response, so either they don't care or they just don't understand my brand of humor.

Speaking of my brand of humor, the other day I was talking to my friend and he was like, "Do you still have a blog?" And I was like oh yeah, and tens of people read it. And he dared to suggest that it is not more popular because people don't "get" me. As if awesomeness and hilarity (hilariousness?) is so hard to get? I think he underestimates my people. And my general appeal. And maybe he overestimates himself, thinking he has some special understanding of me that makes me seem funnier to him than to other people. I told him that he's wrong and that people I don't even know read this blog, but he was unconvinced. Whatever. The beauty of having a blog that your friends can't be bothered to read is that you can then use said blog to talk about those friends. And they will never know. So take that, friend. Take that.

Alright, now you can look at this painting of a lighthouse. This is almost definitely exactly what it is like in the Outer Banks, only less cliff-y. And maybe there are no killer whales there. I don't really know the specifics.

From the Internets

2011-04-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

I got this message on Facebook this morning so it sounds like I'm really on a roll with the guys. First the Wal-Mart parking lot man said I'm beautiful, and now this. It's hard to believe that men aren't just beating down my door to be with me, as amazing as I am and all.

Hi Gorgeous,

I have been standing over here at my end, steering at the profile picture and, which i can't tell and the name sounds so familiar to me and i begin to imagine where i could have met with this Cutie, no matter where it is, i think i would love to know you again even if we haven't seen before, so at a point, i said to myself it's time, i say hi to this great lady and see if we could be friends and know what could possibly transpire at the end...I am FRANCIS BEN by name., I have a daughter by the name (Lizzy), she has also said her greetings to you. About me, i am one simple man, down to earth, outgoing, a man who enjoys good things and good life, i love happiness and the last but not the least, a one woman's man and am searching for that special one lady that could be part of me forever and that has got true love and kindness in the heart. I hope and wish you are that one special friend of my dream. Please i would appreciate a reply from you as soon as you can, to know if my friendship request was granted.

The message is gone now. I guess Facebook deleted it or something. I'll never know if I'm the one special friend of his dream. Dang it. So close...

I Keep Forgetting To Put A Title.

2011-04-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

This morning at Wal*Mart I was getting into my car and some guy in a truck drove by and shouted, "You are so beautiful!" So I smiled to show I wasn't bothered but really I was thinking that he was probably being sarcastic because I don't think people go around randomly shouting out compliments. Or maybe it's just that I've lost faith in humanity. Could be that. So, Monday, bleh.

My boss is back from vacation and for the first hour or so it was all work, work, work. Now it's back to being incredibly dead and I'm trying to think of tricks I can play on my co-worker to liven up our day. I did a trick on Friday but it turns out that he didn't even know he was being tricked, so I had to tell him. Having to explain your prank kind of takes the fun out of being a prankster. But you know what they say- try, try again. I think they say that, and when they do, I'm pretty sure they are talking about doing tricks on unsuspecting coworkers. And of course he is unsuspecting, because aside from Friday's failed trick, I've never even done a trick on him. He's done some on me, though. Like, when I first started working here, he'd trick me all the time. One time he did this Internet quiz called "Are You Gay?". I know, clearly we're 13 years old. Anyway he did the entire quiz and when he got to the end, it asked for your name, contact info, etc. in order to get the answer. So he entered all my information- including my cell phone number- and told them I was pregnant and a bunch of other stuff. So for months I'd get free formula in the mail at the office, and a subscription to some parenting magazine, and endless calls on my cell phone responding to my request for information about life insurance. It was fantastic. And by fantastic, I mean terrible, except I guess it's kind of funny, looking back. And I got some Mickey Mouse stickers, so that's cool.

Also, sometimes he would pile up boxes behind my chair while I was deeply engrossed in my work and then I'd be trapped at my desk.

That was a long story and I might have told it on this blog before so I guess too bad for you, now you get re-run blog stories. Anyway the point is, he pranked me, and now, 4 years later, I am ready to return the favor. Only now I can't really be bothered so I think I'm going to watch Coldplay videos on YouTube and pretend I'm in a band.

Oh, here is a picture of my tattoo. I hope I didn't already show it to you. Please enjoy, even though I kind of look like I have dead zombie skin, like that picture in the Bugle a few weeks ago where they were trying to identify someone who drowned in the river and they posted pictures of his tattoos only I knew they were dead body tattoos and it really squicked me out. That's not a dead body tattoo. It is alive. ALIVE!!!!!

2011-03-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

I once read on the Internet that you could send a text message to a land line and a robot voice would speak your message when someone answered the phone. I can't even tell you how many messages I sent to different phone numbers trying to scare people into thinking that robots were after them. It never worked, though, which is too bad because I could do a lot of shenanigans with that technology.

Yesterday someone tried to blow up the Bank of America up the road from my office and as a result traffic backed way up and I almost couldn't get out of here. Luckily it wasn't really a bomb and they opened the road just in time for me to not have to stay here past 5PM. That would've been an outrage. Also, clearly our office needs to move out of the ghetto. First a bunch of people get shot up at Safeway, now people are trying to blow up BofA in the very same complex. The Foothills just aren't safe anymore.

Just now the Edible Arrangements van pulled up directly outside my office. In the approximately 30 seconds it took the driver to park, climb out, and get the Edible Arrangement from the back of the van, I'd come up with this entire scenario where it was a delivery for my boss' wife, because today is her birthday, but someone didn't get the memo that she's in Europe and sent her an Edible Arrangement. And then BJ and I would have to eat the arrangement because obviously it won't keep until she's back. Then that guy had to go and deliver it next door and ruin my plan. He's still sitting out there though. Maybe he delivered it to the wrong place and he's going to have to go in and get it and bring it in here.. And then I will eat it.

There is also more excitement going on in the complex today, because now the fire department is here. They went into one of the next door offices. Maybe the psychiatrist, definitely not the acupuncturist. I hope something interesting happens. I should go outside and catch myself a fireman.

Now this lady is trying to leave but she can't because the ambulance is blocking her car. Ha. She's all confused. She's sitting there with her car running, like that's going to make them move their ambulance. I think not, lady.

Oh, they're leaving now. They didn't even bring anyone out. Lame. Worst emergency ever.

That's all the excitement. I'm going to resume being bored now.

Senile

2011-03-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

I fake numbered the guy at the tire store.
Yep.
Gave him a fake zip code.
He was inputting my information into his little computer and all was going along smoothly until he asked for my zip code. Then I just...froze. 857...37? I said. In my mind I was going back and forth. Is it 37, or 47? 37. 47? I think it's 37.
Wrong.
It's 45. 85745.
I didn't realize it until I was driving home. I double-checked the printout he'd given me, just to be sure, and there it was. My address, wrong zip code. Brilliant.
I can remember my phone number from when I was in kindergarten. My high school band locker combination. The birth date of every guy I've ever dated. But I can't remember the zip code for the house I've lived in for the past 8 years.
Now if my tires are recalled, they probably won't be able to track me down. I won't get the memo. Maybe my tires will fly off when I'm doing 84 on the freeway.
I better download some kind of mind-training app before it's too late.
Getting old is ridiculous.

2011-03-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

Turns out one of the drawbacks of R2 having to be reset is that now my phone only shows Star Wars news. So I'm looking for stories on politics and entertainment and it's all, "Ice Storm on Hoth Causes Delays" and such.

Not really, but it does only update info on Lucasfilm, etc. News you can use, obviously.

I also discovered there's a setting that lets you direct certain callers to voicemail every time they call. I wasn't aware of that setting until now, but you can bet I'll be making use of it. Or maybe I won't. Now when you call and get my voicemail, you'll be wondering if I just missed the call or if you've been blacklisted. Bwahahahaha...

Today my boss' daughter came in to check her secret email and steal stamps from the office. Then she tried to make me mail a card for her, like I'm her own personal secretary. Not happening, friend. I directed her to the mailbox. She left the card on my desk. There it shall remain. I'm not anyone's secretary but most definitely not hers. So not mailing the card was my passive-aggressive act for the day, and I feel pretty good about it.

This weekend I did a photo shoot for my cousin and if I was actually a photographer I'd post some of the pictures here and be like, Dana was such a joy to shoot- blah blah eyeballs teeth stunning. But I'm not actually a photographer so I won't do it. Plus Dana probably doesn't want her pictures all over my blog because as you well know, Warren Buffett and others may be reading. I did take pictures of some ducks and a cup of coffee but I deleted them. Suffice it to say my new camera is beyond fantastic and as soon as I learn how to use a setting beyond Auto, well, look out, because...I'll probably never use it, just like my current camera.

Have we talked about Coldplay lately? I don't think we have. Current obsession: Yes. It's all deep-voicey and angry violins and awesome sauce. Check it out. But only the first half. The second half is like a totally different song and it's meh and I don't know why Coldplay always does that- they combine 2 songs into one instead of just making them separate. Make me understand, Chris Martin, make me understand!

I thought my boss being out of town would be great but it's actually shaping up to be really super dull. I might actually have to do some work. And by work, I mean looking at recipes on the internet. Duh.

Hey, Sup.

2011-03-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

The other day I was all, you guys hang tight, this blog will be interesting tomorrow.
But that was kind of a lie because nothing even happened tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. From when I posted that, I mean. What can I say? It seems like I might be a big fat liar. Or maybe like, a fibber. That sounds less awful. You know what else is awful? That I keep pointing out how awful this blog is. I'm never going to get rich if I keep up with those shenanigans. I have to have confidence in the awesomeness and hilariousness of what I write! Yes!

Anyway I mostly came here to say that nothing interesting has really happened and that's why nothing interesting (or uninteresting) has been posted. My boss is going on vacation to Europe starting tonight and will be completely out of touch and so I expect my coworker and I will start having wild tequila parties and stuff like that starting Monday. And by wild tequila parties, I mostly mean we want to order wings and have them delivered to the office. Because we are just that lazy. And awesome. Duh.

Yesterday R2 broke. R2 is my phone. I'm not crazy, my phone really is R2. It's not like I named it that, it just is that. Anyway, it broke and I couldn't type on the virtual keypad anymore. So I had to go to Verizon and they fixed it by doing a hard reset, which is cell-phone speak for "erase every darn thing you've ever downloaded onto your phone, and also 6 months worth of VERY IMPORTANT text messages, like the one about the kitten Virgil Earp." So then I had to spend the rest of the afternoon re-downloading all my apps. And of course I lost my scores on Angry Birds- Rio, which made me pretty upset. But then I spent even more time replaying Angry Birds so I guess that kind of makes up for it.

Whatever, I know this is interesting to you.

Oh, R2 must've known I was typing about him because he just restarted himself and let out some cheerful beeps. What a cutie.

Oh yeah, I was supposed to show you pictures of things. Remember when I was obsessed with collages? Here's a hiking collage. Last Friday I ditched work and went hiking with my friends. We were looking for wildflowers. There was pretty much just the one, so I took a picture of it. Then I stomped on it and ruined it so there wouldn't be any wildflowers for anyone else. Ok, I didn't really do that, although a little part of me thought it would be kind of funny. The night pictures are from this time last week that my friends and I were going on an evening hike after work but it kind of turned into a fiasco and we just ended up stopping like 100 yards from the parking lot and taking a lot of pictures and then going to eat gelato. Luckily it's super desert-y so it looks like we went on a nice sunset hike even though we were never even out of sight of multi-million dollar mansions.

I made that up about the mansions. They were probably just big houses. I don't know how much they cost. But they were right nearby. That's the point.

Anyway here's that collage now. This weekend I'm getting a new camera (shout-out to my awesome uncle, who is selling it to me even though it's Lent) so you will probably have to endure a lot more photos and hopefully some nice portraits of my cat. You're welcome.

This is Not a Tutorial

2011-03-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

I was thinking I'd teach all you people how to make a craft. Because then this blog would not only be awesome and hilarious and all that, but it would also be useful. Then, you know. I'd win. And Warren Buffett would send me cash. I'm pretty sure.

But I think you can't really have a tutorial without pictures. Because then it's kind of just a boring old list of directions, and no one really wants to read that.

Then I thought maybe I would show you pictures of things I've been doing lately. Hiking, adventuring, rocking out. But those pictures aren't on my work computer.

Then I thought maybe you'd want to look at a portrait of my cat. But the last time I posted her photo online without permission, she scratched me in the fingernail. She's a pretty private cat. Private Cat (salute!).

Then I got distracted with a new version of Angry Birds and I forgot about making a blog at all. But I got bored with that and now I'm back. Still with nothing to show you. Sad trombone- wah wah waaaaaah.

Forget it. I'll be back tomorrow with a better idea.

They're After Me Lucky Charms.

2011-03-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

I am bored.
I wish I had a margarita.
I wish it was time to go to the beach.
I wish I was going on a date.
I wish I had a margarita on a date at the beach.
Or, you know.
Something like that.

I wish my clients could follow directions.
Just once, I wish they'd fill a form out right.
I wish I didn't have to call them.
And get more details on medical conditions.
And procedures that best remain between them and their doctors.

I wish it was Friday.
Thursday is pretty good though.
I wish I'd brought my tasty meringue cookies to work.

I wish I had a basket of kittens to play with.

I don't have any of those things but at least I have this blog so I can talk about them on the internet.
And this job so I get paid while I do it.
Heh. Heh heh hehhhhhh. Evil laugh.

Oh.
When I was in middle school my friends and I read this book and in the book there was a character named Erin. And the character Erin was nicknamed Erin Go Braugh by her friends. And then she was killed.
Just kidding. Or maybe not. I can't remember. I haven't read the book lately. But anyway, the point is that my friends latched on to that and took to calling me Erin Go Braugh.
I hated that.
I think it's because Erin Go Braugh (sometimes Bragh) sounds like Erin Go Bra and when you are in middle school, the last thing you want on Earth is anyone to mention anything involving you and a bra. At least in my middle school world, that was not a positive thing.
I'm pretty much over it now though. I guess because now I'll own my bra-wearingness. It happens. No shame here.

I have to go look at Facebook now. Thanks for joining me for another episode of Polluting the Internet with Useless Random Babble. See you next time!

Chew on This

2011-03-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

I came across this blog topic generator and the topic that it generated for me was "Is Flossing Necessary?" Well, that's not strictly true, the first topic it generated was "Early American Jazz" but I have nothing to say about that. Flossing, though, is cool. I thought, "My people would probably like to talk about flossing." So. Is Flossing Necessary? Sadly, the answer appears to be yes. My friend is a dental hygienist and I asked her if there was any other option for the flossing thing and she said no. She said if you were stuck on a desert island with the option to only floss or only brush your teeth, you should choose to floss. I think perhaps she overestimates the value of oral hygiene when stuck on a desert island, but dental hygienists can be like that- always thinking about teeth.

Well, I think that about covers the topic of flossing. That was fun.

Oh, I have an idea. How about another rousing round of "How did you find this blog?" Yay!

From the stats:

Dirty stories co workers. Uhhh. Yeah. You won't find that here. Sorry to disappoint, person from Saudi Arabia. Good luck with that though.

Animal Footstool. Ha. Like 12 people have Googled that and ended up here. Jokes on you, Googlers! I'm making fun of animal footstools and the people who love them.

Hate My Job Blog About Geico. Now that's a blog I'd probably like to read. But Warren Buffett would never stand for it! And he'd never send me money if that's what this blog was about. Well, technically he's never sent me money anyway, but I did get a Buy One, Get One Free Blizzard coupon once, and that's sort of like money...

That's about all that's interesting from the ol' blog stats. Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn.

Maybe I'll have something interesting to talk about later. Or maybe not. In the meantime, don't forget to floss!

Enemy Anemone

2011-03-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

I don't have anything to write about Enemy Anemones, but isn't that fun to say? It's like a party for your mouth. Or something. Never mind. Enemy Anemone. Say it.

I thought today was my 4 year work anniversary and I was going to be all demanding and be like, "You- bring me a treat! No, bring me 4 treats, one for each year!" and then I'd get cinnamon rolls and Blizzards and stuff. Then I'd sit around, not really working, just eating treats. So pretty much it would be like every other day. But then I did some research and my first day was really March 7 so that means my 4 year work anniversary came and went with nary a treat. I'd be more upset if I hadn't brought a bag of magical meringue cookies that are super delicious and not even that unhealthy even though they are filled with sugar and chocolate chips. Now that is a real party for your mouth. Forget the enemy anemone. Well, don't forget it completely, because that still is funny.

Enemy Anemone might be a good name for a band. If I get drums and start a band, maybe it will be called Enemy Anemone.

Whoa, all along I was thinking an anemone was like this nasty stringy sea creature and it turns out it's a flower. Just a stupid flower. Not an enemy at all, unless you have allergies I guess. Those stringy sea creatures are Sea Anemones. They're named after the flower. Hmm. I have to rethink this band name now. I can't have a band named after a flower. Can I? I guess maybe I can. It worked for Guns N' Roses. I think maybe the Enemy part balances out the fact that it's probably a total wuss move to name your band after a flower. Probably.

I'm going to find an anemone and then glue some angry eyes on it and keep it on my desk. Then people will know not to bother me, unless they are bringing me treats. Yes. This is what I will do. I hope it is anemone season.

Brought to you by the letter A, for Awesome.

2011-03-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

I want to write a blog because I'll never get any money from Warren Buffett if I don't keep up with the awesomeness, but nothing is really happening around here that's worth writing about.

Like that's ever stopped me before. I know what you're thinking. Whatever, at least I write in my blog so you can kill a few minutes when you should probably be doing something more important like cleaning behind your toilet. Or maybe that's just me.

I went to the eye doctor the other day because I was on my last pair of contacts and also could not see, and he was like, the problem is that your eyes are shaped like footballs instead of basketballs and now you have to wear contacts made for that. So I got contacts made for football eyes and they're terrible. I can't see because they are constantly fogged up, and I have to keep cleaning them all day. And then it looks like I've been crying, and that's stupid. And I get to pay extra for this pleasure. Fantastic. Also while I was at the eye doctor he dropped some stuff on the ground instead of the trash and then he was like, "I'm not going to pick that up right now, I don't want to touch the floor. That's why Arabs don't play basketball. It's not in our genes." Ahahaha, Eye Doctor, you kill me.

A few weekends ago I went to the rodeo and that was pretty awesome. Those tricky tickets said no cameras, so we did not take any cameras, and then when we were at the rodeo everyone and their brother had like giant professional sized, definitely not snuck-in, cameras. Those rodeo tricksters. This is to say, there are no pictures of me at the rodeo, and that's too bad because I got back to my country roots and wore cowboy boots and basically looked like a total natural. Ok, but let's talk about the rodeo and how it's kind of mean. I liked the bull riding and the bucking broncos and all that but I have a little bit of a problem with calf roping and goat tying. Those poor calves and goats. Sometimes after they were tied they'd break free and I'd be like, "Yeah! Go, goat! Yaaaaaay!" Only not really because it was cold and I was sick. But in my mind, I was rooting for those goats.

Oh, and I got this tattoo:

But it was made out of Sharpie so it's gone now, so no need to write me out of your wills or anything. But when I had that tattoo, I felt pretty tough. Like if you messed with me, I might punch you in your face. I didn't punch anyone in the face while I was inked but I bet if I had, people would've been pretty understanding about it, on account of how rad I was. Now I'm just normal again.

I gave up shopping for Lent and in preparation I bought everything I thought I might need for the next 40 days, and that included a shirt with a dinosaur on it, a depression glass plate, a book about cooking using ratios, pink glass beads, 2 pairs of flip flops, tile nippers and a mini blender. And probably more that I can't think of at the moment. Because that's how I roll.

Also, only 73 days until I leave for my beach vacation. Oh, yeah, I can't wait. I'm going to learn to surf.

I have to go now because it's time to clean my contacts or claw out my eyes; I haven't decided which.

Dirty Story

2011-03-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

In college I had this job at Disney World and sometimes I worked in a candy store. And the candy store had one of those big Jelly Belly displays, the kind where you can buy each flavor separately for about a million dollars a pound. Kids were really drawn to that jelly bean wall. They'd pull the lever and let those jelly beans flow, right out into the plastic tray thing and into their mouths, too, I bet. Thieves. Sometimes their parents would care but sometimes they wouldn't because some people think being at Disney gives your kids license to act like little hellions and spill jelly beans everywhere.

As an employee-oh, excuse me- Cast Member- I'd have to go around and scoop up all those errant beans and put them into this giant box we kept under the counter. Then when the box was full we'd return it to Jelly Belly and get credit for the wasted beans.

And that is why Disney is rich.

The end.

Just kidding. Not the end. So you know how sometimes you're at a job and you have to keep looking at delicious candy all day, but you can't really afford any of that candy because you make $6.25 an hour and you'd have to work for an hour just to earn enough for a Mickey Mouse Oreo? Well, that happens. So my co-workers (Castmates?) and I would scrounge through the Jelly Belly box and pick out our favorites. For me, cinnamon. Red with yellow dots. Those are the only good ones. And we were pretty happy with this situation, the free jelly beans, the smiling happy children, the crazy hours, the meager pay. You know, really just living the dream.

Then one day another coworker saw us eating out of the Jelly Belly box and was like, Dudes, I put floor beans in there. Beans. From off the floor. Might as well get credit for every bean we can, right?

That was the end of the free beans.
And that is the story about how I've inadvertently eaten food off the ground of Disney World.

The End.

Kittens in the West

2011-02-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

Me: If I had a kitten I would name him Virgil Earp.

G: hahahahaha that would be cute.

Me: He would only go by his full name. Virgil Earp is hungry. Virgil Earp, don't scratch the couch.

G: Virgil Earp, don't shoot that guy.

Me: Virgil Earp always shoots first and asks questions later.

G: Yeah. Plus he has the title of Sheriff, so that is even better.

Me: Sheriff Virgil Earp, the cutest kitten ever.

G: The cutest kitten in the west sounds better.

Me: Renegade Law Cat.

G: Maybe I would get his brother, Marshall Morgan Earp. But mine would probably get shot on a pool table.

Me: Oh yeah, that might happen. I guess you could have Wyatt Earp.

G: Yeah. He's most famous anyway.

Me: That is why Virgil is funnier.

G: Yeah.

Me: Hopefully a kitten will show up at my door.

G: Yeah.

The Big Letdown

2011-02-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd pop in and let you all know (since you are no doubt waiting with baited breath) that no secret admirers came out of the woodwork to proclaim their love for me yesterday. I can't say I'm surprised but, as previously discussed, there was that little tiny bit of silly hope, and therefore, that little tiny bit of silly letdown-ness. Ah well. Maybe next year.

In other news...
Nah, there's no other news. Tricked you again.

Why I Win At Arguing

2011-02-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to convince my sister and her boyfriend that we need to pick this beach house that is in a less than ideal location. Because it has an elevator. That's pretty much the main reason I want the house. This is how I picture it going:

Me: Look at this house. It is awesome. It has an elevator.

Them: No way. It's not on the ocean.

Me: Elevator.

Them: We can't walk to the beach.

Me: ELEVATOR.

Them: It's on the Sound. The Sound is full of man-eating squid.

Me: ELEVATOR!

Them: Sound sharks will disembowel you and toxic waste will destroy your flesh.

Me: ELEVATOOOOOOOOOR!!!

Them: Good Lord. Shut up. Fine. This is the worst location ever, though. Probably our vacation is ruined.

Me: I knew you'd see it my way.

I win.

I can't think of a title so I'm just going to type some random junk in here and see how that goes. I think it's working out.

2011-02-08T09:03:00.000-07:00

The other day I was leaving this Super Bowl party and I started to drive off with a cutting board on the roof of my car. Then I braked and it slid down the windshield and made a loud bang and scared me 80% to death. Then I had to get out all casually and get the cutting board off my windshield and hope my friend hadn't been watching from her car, because it's kind of embarrassing to leave crap on your roof, especially when it's something weird like a wooden cutting board, because most people don't even take wooden cutting boards to Super Bowl parties, but that is what my food was on and I am just that lazy that I couldn't be bothered to put it on something more practical. Of course the cutting board left an inch-long mark on my windshield, and the whole way home I couldn't tell if it was a crack or just cheese. And then I got stressed out because I'm thinking of switching insurance carriers soon, and I'd need to get that crack fixed before I did so. But I already got my window fixed once and I don't want them to think I'm committing insurance fraud or anything, because I'd never do that. I just really care about glass safety. And auto insurance is like health insurance; they won't cover pre-existing conditions. Even if that condition is something as unusual as a crack from a falling cutting board. I bet the window repair guys have never heard that before. But I can picture the exact look I'd get if I tried telling the window guy that story. It's not a nice look. It's the "Uh huh, there there, crazy lady. Go home to your cats now," kind of look. The good news is that there is no crack, only cheese on my window. So I just left that stuff there, because cheese makes me happy. And now when I see that little mark, I'm like, aha, the falling cutting board. That was funny. And I chuckle to myself. Not really though. I never chuckle, because chuckle is a stupid word. But I probably do smile to myself and then I feel stupid because it's weird when people are driving alone and smiling to themselves. It probably would've been better if it was a crack, because then I'd see it and scowl, and people don't care as much if you're scowling. Then I'd make Progressive fix the crack then I'd cancel my policy and switch to GEICO and Warren Buffett would be so happy he'd probably give me a half a billion dollars or so. And then I'd buy a drum kit and some toy dinosaurs.

Monday stuff.

2011-02-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

I might have accidentally on purpose stolen my neighbor's trash bin. I think there is a 50% chance that it was actually my trash bin, but I don't know for sure. I just know last week was winter and it was windy and when I got home from work my trash bin was gone from in front of the house but there was one just like mine in the middle of my neighbor's driveway. I have a special tiny bin because I'm cheap and I ordered a new small one to save $2. So I just kind of assumed that the tiny bin was mine and had blown away and someone put it back in their yard. And I took it back. I hope no one was watching or they'll think I'm some kind of crazy trash-bin thieving scoundrel and they'll probably try to vote me out of the neighborhood.

I forgot to tell you that last Sunday was Draw a Dinosaur Day. I submitted my T-Rex with balloons which is kind of cheating since I didn't draw that on Sunday, but it's just so cute I couldn't resist. I don't know what the point of Draw A Dinosaur Day is, but I bet it's to spread happiness and dinosaurs throughout the land. And also because dinosaurs are awesome.

I have a new scheme and it's to rent a beach house in OBX, which is what the cool kids call the Outer Banks. I don't even know where the Outer Banks are but I think maybe South Carolina or North Carolina or Ohio. Anyway I want to get a beach house and spend a week being relaxed and eating fudge and hanging out on the boardwalk and things of that nature. It's basically going to be awesome and everyone I know is invited but you have to make a decision ASAP because I'm going for sure and no wafflers are allowed to screw up my plan. It's like fashion. Either you're in, or you're out.

I got these clementines for this party I was having because no party is complete without clementines. Not really. But the clementines came in a little crate box thing and on the box it said Clem & Tina, and had a clementine dressed like a boy and one dressed like a girl and it was pretty much the cutest fruit crate I've ever seen. The clementines were meant to be dipped in the chocolate from the fondue fountain, because no party is complete without a fondue fountain. But when I got my fountain out, that I've never used, but only loaned out once, 4 years ago, for some certain cousin's graduation party, not to name names or call out or anything, but I'm just saying the cord is missing and the fountain is rendered useless. Useless! I've never even gotten to enjoy it! You can't trust anyone, knowwhatI'msayin'? Fortunately we obtained another fountain in the nick of time and the party was able to go on. Crisis averted.

The moral of the story is; I need a drum kit.

And, dinosaurs are cool.

Have you ever seen my painting of this half lady/ half horse? I'm not sure. Please enjoy.

2011-02-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one that, as Valentine's Day rolls around, starts thinking that maybe, maybe this year will be the year that Mr. Awesome Guy is going to choose to confess his undying love for me?

Just me, then?

Seriously, every year, probably since, like, elementary school, when I'd hope that one of those obligatory little cards would be signed by a secret admirer, I've had this silly thought lurking deep in the recesses of my mind. Well, maybe not every year. There were a few years in there where I was in a relationship, and in those years I was probably just hoping the boy would make some sort of effort- LOOK, COWORKER, I CANNOT FOCUS ON WRITING MY BLOG WHEN YOU'RE CRUNCHING WHEAT THIN CHIPS LIKE IT'S GOING OUT OF STYLE!!!!!

Ahem.

Sorry about that. If you haven't noticed, I lack focus. I'm working on that.

So, what was I saying?

Oh, yes. Valentine's Day. Secret admirers. Loooooooooove.

There is a long list of reasons that this is a ridiculous hope. Mainly that most guys aren't that thoughtful or romantic. (No offense, most guys reading this blog, but in my experience, it's true.) And that Valentine's Day would probably be a cliche time to make confessions of love. And that probably no one is secretly in love with me. And that in general, people probably do not go around secretly being in love with people, and then actually telling that person. Maybe if life was a romantic comedy, but sadly, my life isn't. Anyway, yeah, it just doesn't happen. And I know that. I'm probably pretty realistic when considering the chances of this confession ever actually taking place. But there's still that teensy tiny little part of my brain that's like, hey, you never know. It could happen. And it would be sooooooooo cute. Little hearts would probably explode out of my head or something.

Meanwhile, I'll just eat some candy hearts, and keep my phone lines open. You know. Just in case...

Let's Make A List!

2011-01-31T10:35:00.000-07:00

There's something especially cool about being able to pepper your speech with pop culture references all casually. Or maybe that's just my circle of friends? Anyway, here are some quotes I use all too often- except they're totally random, so no one knows I'm quoting anything and I just end up looking like I'm a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

I like corn on the cob.
This isn't from a movie or TV show. It's not even a spoken quote. It's from a greeting card. Probably only my cousin Amy can understand this, but sometimes it's just appropriate to randomly pipe up about corn on the cob. When I say it, I get a lot of strange looks, because people think I'm actually saying I like corn on the cob. Which, I mean, I do, but the point is that I'm quoting Fresh Ink. Except people don't quote greeting cards. Normal people, anyway. Major fail.

Yeah, the Knicks rule!
There is a Friends quote for nearly every occasion, so why I'd choose this one, which is relevant in approximately zero situations, I don't know. I just like it. I like to say it when it makes absolutely no sense, and that is pretty much all the time. I suppose if I was watching the Knicks play, then maybe it would fit, but I'm pretty sure that's never, ever happened, so I just continue to sprinkle it into conversations where it doesn't belong.

There's no time! There's never any time!
This shouldn't even be on the list because anyone who grew up in the 80s, and even some who didn't, know what this is from and how to respond. If I say it and don't get the right reaction, a little piece of me dies.

FINE BY ME!
Ah, another one from Friends. This one is more in how you say it. I like to say it just like that- in all caps- especially when the situation doesn't call for being especially angry or all-capsy. I have found myself in the unfortunate situation of hanging out with a lot of people who didn't watch and memorize every episode of Friends, so I think I end up giving the impression that I have extreme anger issues.

Him's nice.
Probably my sister and I are the only people on Earth who quote one of the kids from Jon & Kate Plus 8, but we do, and it's hilarious. To us, anyway. Him's not mean. Him's nice.

What do we say? We say no! What do we do? Deny the claim!This is a line from some insurance company commercial from way back in the day. No one except my sister and I even remember it, I'm sure, but now that I work in insurance, I have occasion to say it all the time. And I do. And no one knows what I'm talking about, so it falls flat. Just try explaining to someone that you're quoting a commercial from the 90s. See how that goes over. I've taken to just muttering it to myself whenever I'm working on a claims issue. Deny the claim!

I have a secret.

2011-01-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

Wait.

No, I don't. That was a lie. I don't know why I'd tell you there are secrets here when there aren't really any at all. That was mean. I just want attention, clearly. I probably need therapy.

If you were wondering, I am still obsessed with drums. I need drums! I can never start my band if I don't have a drum kit. Meanwhile I've been practicing on pots and pans.

No I haven't. Another lie. What is wrong with me today?

I also need a hot tub. I told my landlord that I need a hot tub and some palm trees in my back yard. Every day I look at Craigslist to see if anyone is selling hot tubs or palm trees. Every day, someone is. And every day, I don't get any hot tubs or palm trees, because I am not strong enough to carry those things into my yard. I told my landlord that I had to replace some shelf brackets (out of my own pocket!) and that in return he should probably buy me a hot tub, but he did not jump all over that offer. Honestly, I am shocked. It seems like any savvy investor/landlord/dad would be all about a deal like that. If Warren Buffett was my landlord, I bet he'd buy me a hot tub.

In my desk I have a tub of tiny peanut butter cups from Trader Joes. I don't know if you've ever had these things, but they're like crack. I don't even like peanut butter, yet I've eaten approximately 9000 of them today and it's only 11:30. Can't get enough candy! I realized today that my diet consists mainly of candy and snacks. I think once I turn 30 I'm going to have to start behaving more like an adult, and that will include not eating ice cream or sour punch straws for dinner and actually using my kitchen to cook more than just baked goods. That means I have exactly 6 months left of living this fun life before I have to grow up. Shall we all have a moment of silence for my youth? There won't be any silence in my adulthood because I'll have that drum kit and I'll be banging away on it at all times. Fact.

Okay, I saw the cutest and most delicious thing on the Internets and it was tiny crème brûlée, prepared in a wonton spoon. You know, those ceramic spoons that Chinese restaurants have? So this was just tiny, bite-sized crème brûlée. Yum. And cute. Sorry about the italics there, I don't know why it's doing that but it won't go away, so please don't think I'm trying to be all pretentious with my foreign-word italicization. Wow, italicization is a word? Neat. Anyway, I think it would be good to have a fancy party and have fancy tiny foods and then I could make the tiny crème brûlée. Seriously, though, with the italics, what is that? Grrr.

It smells like cat pee at my desk and there are no cats at my office, so that is gross. I smelled it yesterday too but I am wearing completely different clothes than yesterday which leads me to believe it's not me, which is good because I don't want to smell like cat pee, but bad because smelling cat pee all day is completely unpleasant.

I guess I've wasted enough of your time. Now I'm going to comparison shop for auto insurance and file my taxes. Hahaha, I kid, I kid. I'm not going to do that at work today.

That's because I did it yesterday.

Fact.

I'm Addict, I'm Addicted To You

2011-01-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

I own approximately 65 pairs of shoes.
I know this because I counted.
I counted because I read a blog post that suggested a woman should own 5 pairs of shoes.
That 5 pairs is all she needs.
And I thought to myself, that is crazy. 5 pairs is nowhere near enough. Where do red polka-dot heels fit into this sensible 5 pair plan? Hmm? What about pink ballet flats? Round toe pumps? Peep-toe platforms? Sweater boots, and Fuggs, and all-terrain Mary Janes?

This is going nowhere. I just felt like I needed to talk about all the shoes. The shoes!!! Anyway, as part of my writing process, I was meandering around the internet catching up on advice columns and the like and I noticed that on one of my usual sites, there was a list of links to other articles. It said: Recommended For You- How To Remove Deep Ear Wax.
What? Why does the Internet think I care about that? I assure you I have never Googled ear ear wax. And certainly not from work. Gross.

So there are 2 cops loitering across the parking lot right now. Sometimes cops bring prisoners to therapy, but these cops aren't those cops. They don't have a prisoner or a prisoner transporting van. They're just hanging out in the parking lot, leaning against their car, chatting. I wonder what they're doing over there. I also wonder why The Offspring is playing on my Coldplay Pandora station. Most of you probably have no idea what any of that means, but that's okay. Suffice it to say it's not right.

Hey, I have a question. Why don't people say goodbye when they are finished talking to you on the phone? It's super irritating and super rude, I think. I never know if they're done or not. So usually I just go, "Bye", and hang up. And maybe I'm hanging up on them, because they were still going to talk more? Who knows. Whatever.

I was wrong, those cops do have a prisoner. He's really tall and he is wearing red scrubs that are too short, so I can see his ankle shackles. That's kind of mean that they made him sit in the back of the car while they chatted and enjoyed the lovely weather. But I guess now he's going to therapy, so...that's cool. Also one cop has McDonalds, in case you were wondering. The cops and prisoner are confused and they are about to come in here because they can't see the giant sign that says INSURANCE and not THERAPY FOR CRAZIES. Seriously. Giant sign. DO NOT BRING THAT PRISONER IN HERE!

Phew, they figured it out. That was close. Such drama!

Sometimes.

2011-01-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in Tucson it's 68 degrees in January and the sun is shining and the sky is blue and you have nothing but free time stretching ahead of you. For three days, anyway.

And sometimes, despite all that, you find yourself camped out on the couch in sweats and a ratty t-shirt.
Drinking sangria.
And eating roasted red potatoes.
And for dessert, a ramekin full of mini Hershey kisses. (Giant chocolate chips?)
And watching reruns of Teen Mom and I Used to be Fat on MTV.

And sometimes you don't even feel bad about it.
You just paint your toenails glittery red.
And you paint your fingernails glittery pink.
And drink your wine.
And realize that, when you look around, your life is pretty darn great.

I always knew I was a Cancer.

2011-01-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

Apparently astronomers have recalculated the Zodiac and now I'm a Cancer instead of a Leo, which makes a lot of sense. Or, you know, would make a lot of sense if I believed in that, which I don't, but I thought it was interesting anyway because I know what the supposed characteristics of a supposed Leo are and they definitely don't fit me and now it turns out they've just had the dates wrong for all these years. How about that.

Yesterday we got word at the office that the President was going to visit Safeway and since traffic tends to back up around here on a good day, we decided to shut down early and get out while we could. And since I had nowhere to be I decided to take the long, out of the way route home so I could drive past Safeway and see what's happening up there. What's happening is that it's still taped off but Brian Williams has moved on. But then as I was driving I got behind this motorcade and there were limos and dark SUVs and police escorts and I was thinking oh, yeah, I'm totally behind the President right now! Awesome! Because all the lights turn green for the President, yo, and I was cruising right along. Anyway then my friend in the Air Force told me nope, President just landed at DM like 30 minutes ago, no way he could already have gotten to the north side, visited Safeway, and be headed back to midtown already. And if you are familiar with Tucson traffic, you know that is entirely true. So it was pretty much a false alarm, I wasn't behind the President and the President did not go to Safeway. I might've been behind, like, a decoy President. That's kind of cool, I guess. And I did get out of work early, so, win win win.

I wanted to show you guys this wedding cake I made but I don't have any clever or not clever ways to bring that up, so, here's this wedding cake I made:

Ta-da! I would mark it off my life list except I didn't put "make a stacked wedding cake" on my life list so I guess it's for naught. Ok, maybe not for naught, but, you know. Serves me no purpose other than having taken 2 years off my life due to the massive stress of it all. But I was happy with how it turned out and more importantly, so were the people who had gotten married, so, yeah, success.

I have to interrupt this bragging to report that there is a guy outside right now- he appears to be waiting for some kind of an appointment- and he's strolling around the gravel in front of the offices pulling weeds. He's not the landscaper/weed guy, he's just a regular guy. Pulling weeds. In our office complex. That is so weird. That guy needs to go to my house if he loves pulling weeds so much. Huh. People are crazy. He's probably going to the psychiatrist to deal with his weed OCD. Ahaha. I kid, I kid. Kind of.

It's About Time

2011-01-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

You know what's weird? Robbing banks. How do you think that goes down? Does the robber just wake up one morning and think 'Hmm, I'm a little broke today, I think I'll grab breakfast and then rob a bank.'? It's not like these are grand old-timey bank robbery shootout master planned events. This is like a dude in a beanie rolling up to the teller with a duffel bag, asking for the money, and getting it. It doesn't seem like that would take much planning. And then what does he do once he gets the money? Just take it home and count it? Play presidential flashcards? It all seems just a little too...easy. Gah. Maybe I should rob banks? Nah, probably not. I look stupid in most hats anyway and I'd have massive guilt over anything I ended up buying with stolen funds and then I couldn't even enjoy it, and what's the point of having new things if you can't enjoy them? Very strange, this bank robbing business.Warren Buffett would not approve.

Guys, a sad thing has occurred. The sad thing is that my most favorite tall black boots...OK, also my only tall black boots, have somehow gotten a hole in them. And I fear that they're not really worth repairing, even though they are lovely and perfect and go with everything and make me look like a sexy vixen or a stylish professional lady, depending on how I wear them. They have a perfect toe- not round, not pointy- and a perfect heel- not stiletto, not chunky. They may be irreplaceable. So I am in great distress over this. I have spent many minutes this morning online shopping for something comparable and so far nothing has been found. It's a sad day, friends, a sad, sad day.
Only kidding, I'm really not so materialistic that I've gone into mourning over these boots. I fully intend to duct-tape those suckers up and keep right on wearing them. But it is lame that they have a hole. For sure.

Too bad this blog doesn't have more pictures, eh? I bet that would make it more interesting for you all. Especially for the people from Poland who keep coming here looking for monkeys playing instruments. Yeah, that's right, Poles. I have stats. I can see you. And I think it's really strange, this national obsession you seem to have with monkey orchestras. It's not normal. I'm watching you, and that's all I'll say about that.

I think you can see from all this that the real issue is that my life lacks purpose. So I am in search of a purpose and when I find it maybe my blog will be a little more interesting and a little less "Al Gore did not invent the internet so that you could fill it up with this drivel." Amen.

Oh, and it's Topsy Turvy Day, which you'd know if you'd ever watched the Hunchback of Notre Dame, because there's a whole song about it, and the song includes the words "Scurvy knaves" which would be a great name for a band, and is also a good insult to hurl. You scurvy knaves.

Resolved

2011-01-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

It's like the 4th day of the new year.
If I was a better person,
I'd have some kind of new year post.
I'd probably talk about the past year.
And have goals.
Or resolutions.
Or pictures of parties.
Something.
But I don't have anything like that.
I resolve not to make resolutions.
If there are no resolutions,
I can't fail.
I'm a fan of not failing.
If you couldn't guess that about me.
My coworker is taking an extended vacation.
Under the guise of being sick.
Yeah right, slacker.
As punishment, I am eating all the mini Snickers.
That will teach him to leave me here by myself.
He won't have any snacks.
Speaking of snacks.
I saw a recipe for brownie covered Oreos.
Um.
Yum?
Yes please.
I'm going to make them soon.
I will report back on the level of deliciousness.
Good thing I didn't resolve to be more healthy.
Anyway.
Nice chatting with you.
Better get back to not working.
And not resolving to better myself.
All in a day's work!

I'm Melting

2010-12-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to write this post about how I got a facial and it was weird but I'm having trouble with my words. Or my motivation. That motivation, it keeps going missing. I guess I should know by now that disappearing is my motivation's usual M.O., and stop being so puzzled when keeps happening.

Anyway. I went to get a facial at the beauty college. The beauty college is awesome because it's decent and super cheap and you get free nail polish. Except not when you get a facial, because that would be weird. So I went for a facial. My facial student guy was this middle-aged dude named Joe/Joey/Jose. He introduced himself as Joey, everyone else called him Joe, and his name tag said Jose. Joey Jose was not very chatty, which is fine- neither am I. But at one point he was wrapping a hot towel around my face or something and, after not speaking the entire time, he leaned in close and kind of talk-whispered something like, Erin, is this ok? and it was super creepy because I was not expecting it and my eyes were covered and yeah...

Oh, this story!!!! This is the worst story ever! After my facial was over, Joey Joe gave me his card and was all, Erin, I love your hair. I want to...and he kept making these chop chop a-line motions around his face. So I guess Joey Joe wants to chop my hair off? And condition it, I think. And I was like oh, yeah, definitely! Even though I don't want my hair chop chopped off, and I don't want it done by a student no matter how awesome the beauty college may be. Not even for free nail polish. They probably don't give you free nail polish when you get a hair cut anyway.

Right now my coworker is sending a fax only he never monitors his faxes, he just puts them in and wanders off, and the fax machine is spewing his pages all over the floor and I do not feel inclined to pick them up even though it drives me absolutely flippin' nuts that there are papers spilling everywhere. I think I will run over them with my chair to teach him a lesson.

I'm having a meltdown right now. If my boss keeps coming over here and talking to me while eating peanuts or crackers or any other food that I don't want to smell, well...I probably won't do anything. But I'll be really grossed out, that's for sure. So there.

Not Suitible for Consumption.

2010-12-23T11:06:00.000-07:00

I want to eat some pizza. Every day, all I want is pizza. For a while it was soft pretzels, and now it's pizza. Yum, pizza. It's like I'm a 12-year old boy. It is not awesome, because I can't actually have pizza every day. I mean, I guess I could, but, you know. Sometimes you have to be a grown up and eat a vegetable.

Sometimes.

My coworker and I are plotting how we can get out of here early today. It's not working so far, as it's nearly 11 and we're still here. Too bad, because if I left early I'd probably have time to get some pizza. As it stands, I have to eat frozen ravioli and underripe pineapple. Nom nom nom, lunch of champions. Or maybe champions don't eat lunch, because they are too busy championing at that time of day. I'm not really sure.

Remember my awesome glittery cake I bragged about? Um, yeah. Yeah. I think the Bible says something like, "Pride goeth before a fall" and in this case it was a literal fall- all over the garage floor, where I'd hidden the cake because it was an abomination. I guess I should say that in my defense I was pretty satisfied with the construction, but the fondant was a complete disaster, and the cake came out looking like it was hastily thrown together by monkeys. And not baker monkeys, but maybe some other kind of monkey. Probably a bassoon-playing monkey that doesn't have a lot of experience in making topsy-turvy cakes. So that was a failure. I'm due to make a wedding cake in approximately 2 weeks and my confidence is slightly shaken. But there's no fondant or topsy-turviness involved in the wedding cake so I shall press on and hope for the best. Or something.

Just now my boss passed through and was all, "Has the phone even rung?" and I said no, because that is the truth. This is a good sign. Soon he will probably say, go ahead and go. And then I'll run out of here screaming and waving my arms in the air like...a crazy person. No, I'm not really going to do that. Or maybe I am. I guess you'll never know, unless you're spying on me, and if you are spying on me, well, that's weird and creepy.

Good news kids, just heard the Boss tell someone on the phone that he's going to tell everyone to take off at noon. Woo-hoooooo for leaving early on the holiest of holy Christmas Eve eve. Fingers crossed that no one does anything crazy like call in with an issue and ruin Christmas. Because if they do, I will stab them. Mentally.

Merry Christmas.

And Another Thing

2010-12-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

Guess what I got, dudes.
Silverware.
Ha.
I have serious issues. Seriously. I'd show you a picture but I'm at work and my silverware is not here with me, even though it probably should be, because then I could admire how shiny it is and how many spoons there are. There are many, many spoons. If you ever come to my house and want to use a spoon, I'm going to be so ready for that. I'll be like, a spoon? Why yes, I do have a spoon. What kind of spoon would you like? A tiny spoon? A normal spoon? A teaspoon? A soup spoon? A serving spoon? I have all those things. I have an abundance of spoons, and it is good.

I'm working on the cutest project for a Christmas present. I wish I could show you but I can't go posting pictures of top secret Christmas presents on the internet. It would ruin the surprise. I know, because I look at my stats, and I know who is reading this blog. So that's another thing that's happening but you'll just have to take my word for it. It's really cute though, believe me. You guys would get a kick out of it.

I'm also making a cake. I think it's going to be pretty awesome- it's awesome in my mind, at least. I'd show you a picture of it but it's not really ready yet. So try to envision some kind of delicious and fancy but fun party cake, and that's probably pretty much what it looks like. Or will look like, in the end. When I get around to it. Try to envision glitter on it, too. I'm hoping there will be glitter.

Now that I've got my semi-antique silver flatware, I've moved on to a new obsession. Can you guess? If you guessed DRUMS- you're right! I really want a drum kit. Because I really want to bang on it and make a loud racket and learn to play along with my Coldplay CD. JK JK JK. I want to play along with this one Matchbox 20 song that goes duh-duh, duh, duh-duh duh duh duh duh. Or something like that. I don't know. It sounds cool when I play along on my steering wheel but it'll sound even more cool when I play along on my actual drum kit. And I already have sticks so I'm pretty much set, except for the drums. And maybe a place to keep the drums. Whatever, details shmetails. I'm not worried about that. I just want to hit things. So if I can't have a drum, I'd like a heavy bag and some boxing gloves.

Santa? Are you reading this?

Uncle Warren?

Anyone?

JK JK JK.

Well, better do some insurance now. 3 day week, this is. Thank the Lord.

I break all the rules.

2010-12-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

Ever since I looked at the monkey orchestra catalog online so I could find pictures to show you guys, all my targeted ads are for places like Brooks Brothers and Saks. It appears I have tricked the internet into thinking I'm rich. Right on. Tricking the internet is almost definitely the first step to actually being rich. It's too bad I'm not actually rich (No thanks to you, Warren Buffett) because then I'd buy you all monkey orchestras and Brooks Brothers' suits and things of that nature. And not just for Christmas, either. I'd but you those things on some ordinary Tuesday, just to show that I care. Because that's the kind of person I am. Rather, that's the kind of person I'd be if I had tons of money to burn. Since I'm not that kind of person just yet, you'll have to be happy with the gift of this blog.

Ha ha ha. Oh, I kill me. I really do.

Listen- Coldplay- A Rush of Blood to the Head. I am obsessed. I know I am approximately 73 years behind the rest of the world with being Coldplay-obsessed, but I cannot get enough of this song. I listen to it on repeat, sometimes. And then when it comes up on my Pandora it's like a special little gift from God. I'm sure God cares if I get to hear Coldplay. I'm sure of it.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, I was going to tell you about this massive headache I have, on account of this massive to-do list I have, and this seemingly miniscule amount of time I have to get it done. Miniscule is not a word? My spell check says no but I'm pretty sure it is. Hmm. So yeah, I have this to-do list, and it involves things like making 6 cakes, and making gallons of frosting, and many pounds of fondant. And any one of these things on its own is nothing, really, no big deal. But all of them together are almost more than my brain can process. I'm pretty sure the headache is a direct result of my brain trying to explode. I mean, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's just how it works. Science, you guys. Science.

I read this list of 8 things you should never do on your blog and I'm pretty sure one of them was "Never have a blog that has no cohesive subject." So, I'm doing that wrong. And yet you little jokers keep coming back. I know, because I see you on my stats. Oh, that was another thing you weren't supposed to do- be obsessed with your stats. You also aren't supposed to talk about wanting to get rich off your blog. Gah. I'm breaking rules all over the place! That's how I roll.

No, no it isn't. Except apparently it is. Oh well. I'm going to try and get over it by eating ice cream. I hope you have a nice weekend. I'll be baking one thousand cakes.

This blog needs more pictures so please enjoy this painting of a rodent of unusual size. I meant to make the tail pink but I messed up. Deal with it.

I just realized the ice cream I am about to enjoy came from Dairy Queen, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Berkshire Hathaway, which means that instead of getting rich, I am continuing to help Warren Buffett get richer. Oh man, oh man, oh man. That's messed up. Additionally, wholly is a stupid word. That is all.

Things Rich People Like

2010-12-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to do today. A lot. So it makes sense to not do any of it and come here instead, to discuss something that's been troubling me.

The other day at lunch I was looking at this catalog that we got. I came across this item:

In case you can't tell what that is, it's a monkey orchestra. A porcelain monkey orchestra. And I was like, BJ! I found what I am getting you for Christmas! Because really, what is a more ridiculous and funny gift than a monkey orchestra?

And then I saw the price. $1750. For one monkey. Technically, $1750 for the cheapest monkey- the triangle player. Ranging up to $2750 for the conductor. So to own this entire monkey orchestra, you'd be looking at around $14,000.

For porcelain monkeys.
Playing instruments.

What?

Why?

No, but really. Why?

Warren Buffett, would you spend $14,000 on a monkey orchestra? I think not.

I'm almost certain that for $14,000 you could buy a plane ticket to India, obtain actual live monkeys, teach them to play instruments, dress them in little outfits and go on tour as the one-and-only monkey orchestra. You'd almost definitely get rich off of this scheme.

Not so with the porcelain monkeys. With the porcelain monkeys, you have to spend $14,000 to get them. Plus shipping. Then they just sit around, not actually playing music. Then your kid breaks one and you're like, That was a $2000 porcelain trumpeting monkey! What is wrong with you? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!!!

I might not be cut out for richness.

Another thing I guess rich people like is a nice footstool. Shaped like an animal.

Here is an assortment that I gathered from their website. It's worth noting that these footstools cost less than a single monkey, so even though they look pretty luxurious and fancy, they're actually quite affordable. I think when you're rich you probably like to come home after a hard days work, relax with your feet up on your leather lion, and admire your porcelain monkey orchestra. What a life.

I guess that's all I have to say about that. I hope one day I'm rich though because I really want that bear. It would look great in my living room.

Because I said so.

2010-12-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

My hands smell like oranges.
That is the precise reason why I never eat oranges.
But those little cuties...
I had no idea they'd be so delicious.
So now I eat the cuties.
And then I deal with orange hands.
I guess it's better than fish hands.
I hate fish.
I ate M&Ms for breakfast.
And a latte.
Sometimes my coworker brings me a latte.
He pays for it with the office credit card.
So it's not a super generous gesture.
But I don't care about that.
I just care about free Starbucks.
Today I have Ben Franklin hair clips.
They are fantastic.
I got them for my birthday.
One each from 2 separate people.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Just kidding.
That doesn't even apply to this situation.
Listen, I have a new obsession.
It's vintage silverware.
I know, right?
I am obsessed.
I look at it on eBay all day.
Literally all day.
I am watching like 6 different auctions right now.
Now that I am obsessed with silverware,
I want it immediately.
Clearly I need nice silverware for all my fancy parties.
Oh, that's right.
I don't have fancy parties.
But maybe I would, if I had nice silverware.
So even though there are bills to pay,
And Christmas/Birthday/Graduation gifts to buy,
I will get some new silverware.
Soon.
I bet.
I will report back if I end up with fancy silver.
I will report back even if I don't.
Because this is my blog and if I don't report,
There won't be anything to read.
And you'll be like, come on, post something.
I know, because that's how I feel
About Every. Other. Blog. I read,
That can never update enough for my voracious reading habit.
Haha.
Oh, I had a few rants I wanted to post.
Because they aren't really worthy of being fleshed out.
So here you go.
LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS!
THE PURPOSE OF THE ON RAMP IS TO GET UP TO FREEWAY SPEED!
That's all.
Oh, get this.
Yesterday I was driving home.
I got to an intersection where I needed to make a left turn.
It's a left on green arrow only turn.
And the green arrow just stopped working.
Like, I saw the green arrow when I was lining up in the turn lane.
But then it didn't come any more.
We waited through 3 turns.
No more green arrow.
So then we all decided to be law breakers.
I hate that.
It gave me massive stress.
But I had to do it.
I turned left on a red arrow.
Ughhhhh.
Anyway, it's over now.
But it was a big deal at the time.
Really stressful.
Just thinking about it makes me want to eat infinity mini Snickers.
So, I will.
Good day.

There's Christmas Magic in the Valley...

2010-11-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

I've had the Fox 10 Christmas song stuck in my head for days. If you didn't grow up watching Fox 10 out of Phoenix then you probably don't know that song, which is really too bad. Because it is awesome. We always gather 'round the piano as a family and sing Christmas songs on Christmas eve, and someone always requests the Fox 10 song. If that sounds incredibly cheesy to you, well...it is. But also, amazing. I bet you wish your family did stuff like that. I bet your family is not as rad as mine. Unless you are in my family, which you probably are, if you are reading my blog, and in that case- high five! We're so cool!

Yes. So. What was I saying, then? Anticipation, celebration, I hear sleigh bells ring (sleigh bells ring)...

So today I am wearing this new skirt and it's too short. It wouldn't be too short except that it's clinging to my tights and riding up and anyway, yeah, it's too short. Just now I had a spurt of motivation and was going to attack this pile of files (hey, that rhymes) on my desk and try to get stuff done, for once. But I don't want to get up because of this skirt predicament. So I thought I would just zoom around the office on my chair. I know that sounds stupid, and it is, but also, chair zooming is super fun. Except when I went to zoom over to the filing cabinet, I mis-steered and crashed into the fax machine. And then all these papers went everywhere and it was a big mess. That is my punishment for trying to do work, I guess. Bah. So then I just quit working and came here instead. Oops.

These people make me crazy. And by these people, I pretty much just mean one person. Holy cow. It seems impossible that one person could be that annoying and not, I don't know, just positively explode from annoying-ness, and yet said person just continues to exist, and be massively annoying. It's likely that I will explode from irritation long before they explode from annoyingness. Isn't that just the way of the world?

I'm going to take my inappropriate skirt and run away.

These are the Facts.

2010-11-23T11:50:00.000-07:00

The water dispenser on my refrigerator has stopped working. I don't use it often because I don't really drink, so it's not that big of a deal. But last night I wanted some water and I went to fill my glass and of course nothing happened. So I stood there for a minute, holding my empty cup, trying to figure out what to do. I was like, ugh, broken refrigerator, what am I going to dooooooo? I need a drink! Then I realized I could also get water straight from the faucet, as if by magic. Oh, that really happened. I'm sure that this is a sad commentary on something, but I haven't really figured out what.

On an unrelated note: There is this mobile car washing company that comes around to our office complex and one time my boss hired them to do his car, so now they're always popping in here to see if we want our cars washed. I never, ever want my car washed, because it's at least $20 and that's just ridiculous when I could go to the $3 place and get it done for, well, $3. Just now the guy was in here, waiting for my boss to get off the phone, and he's like, "When are we going to do your car?" And as I was in the middle of reading an article about Taylor Swift's hair, I was annoyed at the interruption and without looking up from my screen replied, "Uh, probably never?" But clearly the guy is not that good at reading signals (which is true for all guys, I have learned, but that is a subject for another post) and so he carried on with his line of questioning. "Oh, does your husband take care of all that for you then?" Yeah, buddy. That's exactly how it goes. I lounge on the couch watching soaps and eating bon bons while my husband details my car. Precisely. You've discovered my secret. Get out. I think I actually said something like, "No, I just never wash it." And he said, "Well, at least you're honest." Which is not entirely true because if I was honest I'd have told him that $20 is way too much for a car wash and I'd rather go to the $3 place and get a free vacuum and use their floor mat cleaning machine. But I didn't say any of that. I just dashed off an email in a very frenzied, loud-typing manner so that he'd know I am busy and important and that he should leave me alone. But he just carried on, talking about how he had first gone to the wrong office and there was a prisoner in there. Then he wanted change for a twenty. And finally he left but by then I didn't even care about Taylor Swift's hair anymore.

It's very, very likely that I will lose my mind before I get out of here for Thanksgiving. Like, extremely likely. It may even be too late. I'm just sayin'.

Wait. Something just occurred to me. Was that guy asking about my husband because he was trying to find out if I have a husband? Did I just get hit on by the car washing guy? Surely not...surely I'd know if someone was hitting on me? Possibly?

Oh, yeah, we all know I totally would not. I've accidentally been on dates before because I didn't realize what was going on. But maybe this guy is just friendly and chatty and wanted to sell some car washes. Yes. I'm going with that.

Is it time to go home yet?

No-Work Friday

2010-11-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

Just now the office phone rang and the caller ID showed the number as 11111111. I knew that wasn't a real number but I answered anyway and of course there was no one there. Just silence. Just a spooky breather, but a quiet breather, not a noisy mouth-breather, which is good. If a noisy mouth-breather called I'd probably say something rude or just hang right up on him because I have a very low tolerance for annoying things like mouth-breathing. And then the mouth-breather would probably show up at my office and hack me to bits with a machete, which is fine because I'd rather be hacked to bits than be forced to listen to someone mouth-breath. Plus I wouldn't have to look at insurance rates anymore because I'd be in pieces. Win-win.

Sometimes I will send a text and then on my phone it says I sent it December 31, 1969. Which is pretty weird because I didn't even have this cell phone in 1969. I'm not sure but I guess it has something to do with the Incas or time travel or something sciencey that I don't understand.

Spell-check is arguing with me about the use of the word sciencey. Whatever, spell-check. I defy you. I well spell whatever word I want in any way I want. That's what I get to do on my blog.

How is it possible that it's only 9:45? Ughhhhhhh. Longest day ever.

I can't wait to put up my Christmas tree and listen to Psalty's Christmas Calamity. Only a week to go. So that's awesome.

I wish I had a kitten and I'd name her Sylvia. Except if I got a cat I think it should be a boy because supposedly they're nicer. And if I get a boy cat his name will be Scott.

Things I Meant to Tell You Guys

2010-11-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

The other day there was this party at my house. And during the party there was this wild cat in my backyard and while I was trying to catch it I accidentally stole its collar. Oops. Guess it wasn't that wild after all. Luckily I was able to recapture it and my party guests helped me put the collar back on and send it on its merry way.

Also, I got a black eye. My friends and I went to Nightfall at Old Tucson, which is basically where they take an innocent wild west movie set and turn it into your worst nightmare, and you pay like $20 for the privilege of having Lizzie Borden chase you around with a bloody axe and scary guys with their brains showing lunge at you from the shadows. So basically, not awesome. Anyway, we were in a haunted house (4 skulls- the scariest rating) and we were all huddled together because that's the best way to avoid being touched by scary guys. That sounds wrong. At some point a scary thing jumped out and I jerked away and slammed my head into something hard- my friend's arm, I think. And the next day I had a black eye. And you guys, I felt so cool. I mean, the story of how I got it was not that cool, and the placement was such that it just looked like I was wearing purple eye shadow, but still. Having a black eye pretty much makes you totally rad. It's almost gone now, and I'm sorry to see it go. I think the black eye made me so much more exciting. Now I'm just ordinary again.

And you know what else? I was totes Ben Franklin for Halloween. And my friend and I had a Halloween party at my house, and there were lots of people, like at least 30, and it was super fun! What is kind of sad is that apparently a lot of people thought I was a pirate. Even though I was carrying a kite. With a key on it. Maybe my friends aren't the sharpest tools in the shed? I'm not sure. I don't think I looked piratey at all. I was wearing bifocals! Ben Franklin is a funny and unique Halloween costume. Pirates are tired and really not clever at all. So that was like a costume half-fail.

I guess those are all the things. It seemed like a lot more stuff in my head. Sorry dudes.

meh.

2010-11-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

I didn't get eaten by pack rats.
Or by a brown recluse spider.
In case you were wondering.
You probably weren't.
That's ok.
I probably wasn't wondering about you either.
So there.
I don't have anything to tell you.
I'm in a bad mood.
My heart has been kicked around a bit.
And it's bruised.
And not that funny.
But I don't really talk about my feelings here.
So keep your fingers crossed that this will pass.
It will.
It always does.
But in the meantime,
Ouch.
People are hurtful.
Whether they mean to be or not.
And it's sad.
And disheartening.
And it makes your stomach hurt.
All the time.
Luckily not all people are like that.
Anyway.
That's enough about feelings.
I'm going internet shopping now.
Have a nice Monday.

The One Where I Basically Get A Death Sentence.

2010-11-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took my car to get an oil change because it had been approximately 70,000 miles since my last one and that's no way to treat a car, especially if you want the car to continue to run until the end of time, which is my plan. And even more especially if you don't want your dad to be disappointed at how irresponsible you are. Responsible adults get their oil changed!

So I took it in on my lunch break and as usual the guys so nicely removed every part from the engine compartment to show me why I should have them replace it. And as usual I looked at the parts, acted concerned, and told them to put it back in the car, that I'd deal with it later. Then it was time to pay and the guy was all, oh, by the way, we found a huge pack rat nest under your air filter.

I'm sorry, what?

A pack rat nest? In my car? In my beautiful car that never spends the night outside? And where, pray tell, is the pack rat? At this point the guy is rambling on about putting soap and pantyhose in the engine but I wasn't paying attention to any of that. I know a little something about pack rat nests because I once watched an episode of Dirty Jobs where Mike Rowe went out into the desert to dig them up. Pack rat nests are full of horrible things like scorpions. And brown recluse spiders. I didn't even know there were brown recluse spiders here until I saw that episode of Dirty Jobs. And now maybe there are pack rats and their dirty nests and their poisonous co-inhabitants living in my car. And in my garage. And therefore, in my house.

So basically, I'm probably going to die. I'm probably going to wake up one day and my skin will be rotting off. (that is what happens when you're bitten by a brown recluse spider, just do a Google image search for it. You're welcome.) And then I will die. And I will be dead, dead, dead. And then the pack rats will eat my dead body. And they will also eat the wires in my car so it won't work anymore. And that will be really depressing.

I guess the moral of the story is that everything is stupid and even if you try to be responsible and change your oil, you'll just end up with pack rats in your engine and then you die.

Here is a MS Paint drawing I made of the brown recluse spider that will probably kill me. It's not a very good drawing because I spent 3 minutes on it. That is because I don't have a lot of time left, and when you are living on borrowed time you don't want to waste it drawing pictures on the computer.

Where's Waldo?

2010-10-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

I would just like you to look at something funny.

That is all.

Let's Take A Vote.

2010-10-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

You know what's hard?

Being an informed voter. It's true. I'm trying to vote and it's very, very complicated. Say you have these two candidates. And you're like, I will research what these candidates stand for! Yes! I am empowered! So you go to the internet and you google and you find supposedly unbiased websites and you read and you learn. And you're like, alright. Candidate 1 believes in this, this, and this. Candidate 2 believes in that, that, and that. Great. I've totally got this.

So now you know what they believe, but...so what? What does it mean? How does it fit into the grand scheme of not running our city/state/country straight into the ground? So then you are like, ok, I will research what this all means! What are the pros and cons of the government paying for this or not paying for that? And then you find one article that says THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD BUY THIS, AND HERE'S WHY! And then you find another article that says THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD NEVER BUY THAT, AND HERE'S WHY!

And it's all very believable! Seriously dudes. You know that saying, you've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything? I'll fall for anything! Give me a well-written article on any point of view and I'll be nodding along, like oh, yeah, that totally makes sense!

And then you're like, eh, whatever. It's only one person. It's not as if one person believing one thing means that all they believe in will come to pass. And then you start thinking about the balance of power. And then you're like, no one cares about anything! It's all politics!

And then you start thinking about that Coldplay song, Politik, and how it's not really that great of a song, even though it's on a pretty great album.

And that gets you thinking about the other songs on that album. Like track #10, which is a really awesome song. So then you go to Youtube to watch the video of it. And that reminds you of other awesome Coldplay songs, so you look them up too, and then you realize you've spent 45 minutes watching music videos online and haven't filled in even one bubble on your mail in ballot.

And then you send off panicked emails to your more politically-minded friends saying crazy things like "I CAN'T DO THIS! TOO MUCH PRESSURE! TELL ME ALL THE ANSWERS!" like it's some kind of test. And then you find yourself in the corner, rocking in your chair, humming Coldplay songs to yourself and weeping.

Not that this happened to me. I'm just saying.

Pipe down, Robot.

2010-10-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

Let's have a chat.
Let's talk about sports.
Just kidding.
Let's not.
Let's talk about how we don't want to do work.
Or answer that phone that's ringing.
Or why my new phone sometimes makes random robot sounds.
Even though it's on vibrate.
Let's not talk about sentence fragments.
Let's talk about being patient.
And how to know if your waiting is practicing patience.
Or just wasting time.
Let's talk about wanting to punch people in the face.
Even if you don't have a good reason.
Just a general desire to punch.
Let's talk about how much time you can waste having one sided conversations.
And whether that means you need therapy or something.
And by you, obviously I mean me.
You're just an innocent reader.
You are not crazy.
Or maybe you are.
I don't know your life.
Let's talk about how to make it look like someone was murdered in my bathroom.
Just kidding.
I already know how to do that.
I just wanted to write it to see how it looks in print.
A little scary, as it turns out.
Oh well.
That's how I roll.
It's taken me like thirty minutes to write this.
Amazing, right?
You probably thought I dashed it off in fifteen seconds.
But I didn't.
I took a break to go read another blog.
A funnier blog than this one.
I'm not telling what it is though.
Or you'll all abandon me.
When you see how much funnier other people are.
And then I will punch you in the face.
Pew pew pew.
That's not punching.
That's like laser guns.
But it sounds cooler than pow pow pow.
Pew pew pew.
Have a nice Monday.

Things That Are Weird

2010-10-13T11:06:00.000-07:00

I was just reminiscing about the olden days and all the things my friends and I got up to and now I'm beginning to realize that I was really quite a super weirdo. For example:

In 5th grade, my friends and I played with gummy bears at recess. Actual gummy bear candy. We had a whole family. Their names were Dan & Danielle, and their kids were named Danny, Dani, etc. I can't explain why we did this. When recess was over, we buried them in the dirt under the trees and then dug them up at the next recess to resume play. What the heck. That is not normal behavior. During this time we also went through a phase of carrying eggs around and pretending they were babies. Raw eggs. Not for a project or anything. Just because. I'm pretty sure we drew faces on them and they may or may not have had clothes.

For some reason we had an issue with one of the janitors at the school. We called him Toothpick Man. We made up entire stories about him. Written stories. Books, even. I'm pretty sure there is a Toothpick Man sculpture. I am pretty sure my mom is sort of friends with Toothpick Man and his wife (Toothpick Woman?) and I'm not sure if the Toothpicks would be amused or offended by this. I'm guessing they would not view it in a positive light.

In high school, my friend and I formed a band. It was called Mutilated Pepperonis. Pepperonis is not actually a word, but that doesn't matter when you're naming your band. We had one song, and it was called something like "Fortress of Doom" and consisted of approximately 2 notes, banged out on the piano as loudly as possible. We'd work on our masterpiece in the band practice room, before class, I guess. Too bad that never took off or I'd probably be a famous rock star by now and I wouldn't need Warren Buffett to give me money.

Oh, and in elementary school we were allowed to eat lunch on the playground. Somehow my friend and I discovered that the sprinklers were called Rain Bird, and they had a picture of a bird on them. We took to opening up the covers of the sprinklers and shoving our sandwiches in there- feeding the rain bird, obviously. Ha. Who knows what kind of damage we did with those antics. A few years back I worked at a resort and the Rain Bird people would come in for conferences and I would always laugh about how I used to feed sandwiches to their sprinklers.

Man, it's no wonder I practically have to buy friends...

Just kidding, just kidding. All my friends were free.

National Lion Adoption Month. Just kidding, I totally made that up.

2010-10-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my sister, I've taken to spending a fair amount of time watching this webcam of baby lions that were born at the National Zoo. I know, right? So incredibly lame. But these lion cubs, man, are they cute! Way cuter than anything I can find to do here in my office, that's for sure. So on the lion cam website there's a link to "Adopt a Lion". I adopted a whale once as a kid, so I already understand that you don't actually get to bring home a baby lion. Apparently some people don't know that, though, because once you get to the lion adoption section, there's a link to an article on why a lion would not make a good pet. Ha, zoo people. You can't fool me. Their reasoning basically goes like this: lions eat a lot of meat, you can't afford to feed them, and they are wild so maybe one day your lion will eat your face. I think it's pretty obvious that the reasons a lion would make an awesome pet far outnumber the reasons it would make a lousy pet.

1. Baby lions are adorable. I mean, just look at this:

2. Nobody else has one. You will have the most awesome pet. You win.
3. When it gets big, you can ride it around like a horse.
4. The lion will keep all undesirables out of your house and yard.
5. The lion can eat annoying things like yappy dogs and neighborhood children.
6. Lions are AWESOME!

See? Many, many reasons to have a lion. I think the real reason is that the National Zoo doesn't want people adopting lions is that they'll lose all their customers if people just go out getting personal lions all willy-nilly. And they are fun-suckers. They want to keep all the cuteness to themselves. Not cool, zoo, not cool.

Please save me, Warren Buffett.

2010-09-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

The other day I was sitting here at my desk, staring vacantly out the window, as I am apt to do, when I saw a monk walking down the sidewalk. Backwards. Not just a few steps backwards, but the whole way backwards. It was very purposeful. It actually motivated me to Google "Monks walking backwards" to see if this was a common occurrence. As it turns out, sometimes monks walk backwards. Some monks believe walking backwards reverses karma. Or maybe that monk had just come from the psychiatrist's office and he was crazy and it had nothing to do with karma at all.

This morning this little girl came down the sidewalk and into our office and then was like, "Oh, wrong door!" and left. And then she was out in the parking lot and then she came down our sidewalk again and was almost to the door when she realized her mistake and went to the right place. Doors are hard.

Can you tell it's a slow day around here?

I just saw this article about how India is going to use monkeys as security for some sporting event or something, and I got really excited because dudes, that's so awesome! But then I actually read the article and it turns out the monkeys are only going to be used to scare off other, smaller monkeys. And they'll be on leashes, accompanied by a trainer. The whole scenario just got infinitely less fascinating, although I'd still like to see those monkeys. I might trade in my cat for a monkey because monkeys are cute and funny and cats are stupid.

Speaking of articles, did you see how the guy who owns Segway died after he drove his Segway into a river or something? I know I shouldn't laugh at that but it's funny every time I think about it. Segways are stupid.

I was just now leaning across my desk to write a message while holding the phone and I glanced down and noticed that my dress had rearranged itself in a fashion that was very much not suitable for a professional office. Oops. I am so inappropriate ~~sometimes~~ most of the time. If this was a corporate environment I'd almost definitely get called into HR to discuss proper work attire. I bet that would be embarrassing.

You know what I think? People who have blogs should write blogs so I have something to do while I'm at work and I'm not forced to read articles about monkey security guards and the like. Think about that, you jokers.

I'm In A Funk

2010-09-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote this whole post about how I'm bleh lately and don't know why and am not funny and am not motivated to be funny or unfunny or anything else, but then I remembered that this is the internet and I don't really feel like putting my feelings out there for anyone to see. So here's a picture of Magnum P.I.'s car. It took me like an hour. The fact that I have an hour to construct a drawing like this in MS Paint probably has a lot to do with this cloud I'm in.

Wasting My Time, Again. Oh, Ohhhh Agaaaaaaaaain.

2010-09-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

I'm biding my time.
I want this day to be over.
It's not really going any faster though.
Which is pretty rude.
I'm going to San Francisco tonight.
I'm not prepared.
I packed last night.
But now I'm having doubts.
I think I need a hat.
I don't wear hats.
My sister looks good in hats.
I don't, on account of my ears.
I think I need a raincoat.
But I hate raincoats.
Plus I live in Tucson.
Why would I even own a raincoat?
I guess for the same reason I own 4 heavy winter coats.
I am insane.
I also own snow boots.
You just never know, am I right?
No, I am not right.
It's a real problem.
This addiction to unnecessary apparel.
My other sister and I were just talking about it.
We buy too many coats because we never had coats as kids.
We were deprived of coats.
One time we got this one Arizona Jean Company jacket.
They were all the rage.
Everyone who was anyone had one.
But not us.
Then we got one jacket.
It wasn't a coat, but it was close enough.
We had to share it though.
We wore it on alternate days.
Then I ripped it.
I made up a story about how it happened.
The story made it not my fault.
But in reality, it was my fault.
Sorry, Geleene.
It was me who ripped the AZ Jean Co. jacket.
It didn't happen in the dryer like I said.
Maybe that's why we couldn't have nice things.
Because I would destroy them.
That's not the point though.
The point is that I don't know what to take to San Francisco.
It is hard to imagine what 60 degrees feels like
When it is currently 100 degrees.
But I use my space heater when the air conditioning comes on.
So there is no doubt that I will be freezing.
I think I need a life coach.
Someone to basically boss me around.
And to advise me what to pack for trips.
Because it's clearly beyond my capabilities.
And maybe my life coach can tell me how to dress, too.
And how to wear my Ben Franklin hair clips.
I need a style adviser slash life coach.
And I don't want to pay for it.
I need to save all of my extra money.
So I can buy coats and hats.
Please enjoy this painting I made.
It's me in San Francisco.
I'm that little red dot.
I'm in my red jacket.
But I didn't actually pack my red jacket.
So I guess it's not that accurate.
And let me just say, this was a commissioned piece.
I don't just sit around here drawing stuff like this.
I mean, sometimes I do.
But not this time.
I just wanted to put that out there.
In case you were thinking I'm crazy.

I'll Blog All Over You

2010-09-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

I stabbed myself with an aloe plant and now I'll probably get an infection and my finger will fall off and it will be really ironic because aloe is supposed to have magical healing powers but instead it's going to turn me into a cripple and I don't even have accidental death and dismemberment insurance so I won't even get any richer because of it.

See, on Saturday I went with a group from church to do some yard work for a guy who needed help. Now there's my idea of yard work, which consists of pulling up any weeds that are within view of the street, and then there is the kind of yard work we were enlisted for, which involves removing basically the entire desert from around a house. Which is to say, it's actually work.

At the end of the work day, it somehow came to pass that the man we were helping was digging out aloe plants from his front yard and passing them out to the ladies, I guess because everyone knows that ladies love plants, especially when they saw the guy dig the plant right out of the ground before their very eyes. Swoon. Right? That happens. At first I declined the aloe plant because dudes, I can't even see the dirt in my backyard and to plant the aloe I'd have to first pull the weeds and that's too much work for me. But the man just kept digging up more and more aloe plants and I couldn't just let an innocent plant die (which is not to say I can't kill an innocent plant, because I definitely can, and will) so I was all, okay! I'll take an aloe! And I did, I took that aloe and carried it with me from the man's house to the church and from the church back to my house. At which time I was like, I'm hot and dirty and tired, I'm not dealing with this plant right now. And I tossed it on top of the recycle bin in the garage because if I took it inside the house the cat would eat it and maybe die or at least puke everywhere and if I can't deal with a plant I sure can't deal with cat vomit.

Then today I needed to throw something in the bin and I opened the lid and the aloe plant started to slide off and I grabbed for it and it stabbed me with its pointy little spine and now here I am with a gangrenous finger that will almost definitely be falling off any time now. I mean, it's not red or anything but it does hurt and that's how things like this happen. One minute you're totally fine and the next minute your skin has turned black and shriveled up and your bone falls out. It happened to my old cat once so that's how I know. First she had a normal leg, then a bone foot, then she became a pirate. That really happened, I am not even exaggerating. Ask my sister. Anyway I tried to tell my coworker about how we need to get an AD&D plan in place for when I lose my finger and he said it doesn't pay for fingers anyway, I'd probably need to lose my whole hand, and that's way too much of a hassle.

Where the Wild Things Are

2010-09-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to the zoo and saw many adorable animals, like polar bears and otters and anteaters. Just kidding about the anteaters, they really aren't adorable. But the otters are. I also learned that the incubation temperature of Galapagos tortoise eggs determines the sex of the babies- how about that? Warm = girls, cold = boys. That's science, my friends.

One thing they don't really have at the Tucson zoo is a desert creepy things exhibit. I think maybe they figure if you want to see that kind of stuff- coyotes, snakes, tarantulas, scorpions, etc., you'll just go into your back yard. Or maybe to the Desert Museum. So I did not see those things at the zoo. But then on Sunday I was going to church and what did I see in the parking lot but one of these:

A gila monster! Cool, right? Anyway that's the whole story. I just wanted an excuse to draw a picture of a gila monster, so there you go.

What is it?

2010-09-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

Dudes! I totally forgot to tell you about this. So this past weekend my friend and I took a little journey to Willcox for some grape stomping and wine tasting at a vineyard down there. Fun was had, shenanigans ensued, blah blah blah. You know. But what I wanted to tell you was this: On the way there, we stopped at- wait for it....

THE THING? MYSTERY OF THE DESERT!

I KNOW! Can you even believe the awesomeness of that? I'm sure some of you have probably seen THE THING? but some of you probably have only seen the signs and wondered about it. And now I have beheld (beholden?) with my own eyes, THE THING?.

Anyway I'm not telling you what it is because that would ruin it, but basically it was awesome. Just kidding, it wasn't awesome. Unless you mean awesomely bad. It was that. But, you know. It was $1. Totally worth it. Almost. Pretty much. I kind of recommend it. Actually, maybe it's better if you continue driving past, never stopping but always wanting to. Then you can keep the magic alive. Because I have to say, now that I know what THE THING? is, after all these years of seeing those signs, I think maybe my world is just a little bit darker. Yeah it is. Almost definitely. It was a lot better in my mind.

Wow, that was the worst review of a tourist trap, like, ever. I did get a cool magnet. It cost approximately 300% more than actually seeing the thing, which is funny because it is also approximately 300% more rad. Math, dudes.

This is it boys, this is war!

2010-08-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

Last week I had jury duty. That's why I wasn't here. It was awesome because I felt totally grown-up and important walking around downtown. For all anybody knew, I was someone with important business down at the courthouse. Well, I mean, I kind of did have important business. Deciding a dude's fate and all, I mean, I bet none of you did anything that important last week. Did you? Yeah, I thought not.

Jury duty isn't technically over. We still have to deliberate. But we're taking a day off. So I can't talk about the case. But I can talk about how I wish I worked downtown because dudes, turns out I live really close to there. It takes me 6 minutes to get from my house to the courthouse. Which is basically awesome. Do you know how much extra time I'd have every day if my commute was 6 minutes long? A lot. That is how much. I'm probably going to get a job over there. Probably apply for judge or something. I could definitely do that job. I'd just shout "Overruled" at random intervals and look bored. That's pretty much what I do anyway, without the shouting, but I bet that guy gets a bigger paycheck.

So today is a little break from jury duty and I was all, I will go to work and catch up on what I missed last week. I thought it would be a lot because I never got around to warning my boss that I might be picked for jury duty so we never discussed what I was working on and then- bam!- selected, out of work for the week. Oops. Anyway, I was all prepared today to work work work on lots of things, but as it turns out, I did all my things and it's only like 9:40. So that's kind of a drag. I probably should have pretended that I had court today and gone to the mall to check out the new H&M. Planning fail. Just kidding, that's not a planning fail, that's a conscience win! My conscience wouldn't let me lie about jury duty. That means I am almost definitely qualified to be a judge. So, you know. I win.

FYI.

2010-08-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

So I have this stat counter thing on my blog where I can see who is reading and how they found me and where they live and what kind of browser they're using and what they ate for dinner last night. It's not creepy at all. Yesterday I was looking at it, just killing time and seeing if I'm famous yet (I'm not) and I noticed the Google searches that have brought people to my blog. And if you've ever tried googling something and ended up somewhere completely unrelated, I'm sure you know how frustrating that is. (Also, learn to google, fools.) Anyway, I thought I would help these people out, in case they ever find themselves here again.

-Song with lyrics "can't keep my eyes off of you, can't keep my mind off of you." Sorry dude. This is the song I'm obsessed with but I didn't actually go so far as to say what song it is. That's "The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice. Believe me, it took me a lot of creative googling to figure that out, so allow me to assist you.

Contiki turkish delight. All I can say about this is that if you are on a Contiki tour and find yourself in Turkey, save a few euros and don't buy the Turkish delight. It's not really that delightful.

Why are gnats in my bed. Ew. You are dirty. Change your sheets and please refrain from bringing your filthiness to my blog. Thanks.

Athens Greece. Here's a tip. If you're looking for info on Athens, Greece, don't look at blogs. Seriously. This is like Internet 101.

"Reasons not to move to Boston". You- out of my blog! I would never talk about reasons NOT to move to Boston. I hope you came here and found my post about reasons TO move to Boston, and then I hope you did it. There are no reasons not to move to Boston.

"Purple Puppet"truck. Um...yeah. No words. You are weird. You need to get help. There are not, nor will there ever be, purple puppet trucks on this blog. Get out.

I made something for you.

2010-08-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

Just kidding, I did not. Well, I'm making this blog, so I guess it's not totally a lie.

Here is something I have been thinking about but there isn't enough material for an actual blog post. Not that it usually stops me... Anyway, there is this song I am obsessed with. Ob. Sessed. And it's so sad and sweet and it goes, "Can't keep my eyes off of you, can't keep my mind off of you" more or less, and it's basically about how he loves her sooooooooo much but they'll never be together. Or something like that. And I'm like, aww, that's so sweet, loooooooove, mushy huggy awwwww. And then, at the very end, almost so quiet you can't hear it, except I listen to this song 40 times a day so I do hear it, he goes "Until I find someone else." Ha. What? If I was a cynic I would think romance is dead. Luckily I'm not a cynic, huh?

I thought I had a bunch of half-fleshed out blog posts in my mind and I was going to drop them all on you here so you would be wildly entertained on this lovely Monday, but as it turns out my head is pretty much empty. Big shocker there. Instead, please enjoy this drawing I made of a t-rex holding balloons. I didn't make it for you specifically but I think you dudes will enjoy it anyway. Because if you don't you're lame and I'll punch you in the throat.

I always forget to title my posts.

2010-08-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

You know what is not fun? Fun size candy. I don't know why they call it fun, when it's smaller than normal candy. Fun size candy would be giant candy, I think.

You know what else isn't fun? Fun runs. I don't see anything fun about any kind of run. Even if you are in shape and don't want to die, I'm pretty sure it's still a stretch to call it fun.

Just now this dental rep came in to drop off some packets I ordered and she brought one toothbrush. I wonder if it is for me, or if I should give it to my boss? I already have like 10 new toothbrushes at home because she brings them every time she comes in. But this one is blue and silver. It's pretty flashy. I'll probably have to take it.

Well, this is super boring. I almost fell asleep writing it. Sorry dudes. I need some new material.

2010-08-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

Right before the office phone rings, a bunch of lights flash. Just now I saw the lights so I answered the phone, even though it hadn't actually rang yet. I bet my boss thinks I have magical psychic powers.

I just played a large number of Freecell games. I am obsessed with Freecell. For some reason, work Freecell is much more difficult than home Freecell. I have a terrible record at work Freecell. It's because there is no "hint" function. Sometimes I need a hint. But it's good because once I master work Freecell, I'll almost definitely be Freecell champion. No one really cares if you have mad Freecell skills, but whatever.

This is the most boring week ever. That is why I have to keep writing stupid blog posts about nothing, that do little more than make me look like a moron. I wonder why I make myself look stupid on my own blog? I should probably work on making myself look smart. But if I showed you all how smart I really am, you'd be too intimidated and wouldn't want to be my friend. That is almost definitely what would happen.

I have some Euros leftover from vacation. Every day I check the exchange rate. It's kind of like the stock market because I am waiting for the Euro to drop and then I'm going to the bank to change those Euros into good old American greenbacks. I don't know why I said that, how stupid. Anyway, the Euro was up, and now it's going down again and I'm trying to decide if I should hang on or go to the bank. Decisions, decisions.

I saw a story on Yahoo! about a man who had a pea growing in his lung. I guess he ate a pea and then it went into his lung and then it sprouted. And it really bothers me because it seems like the pea should've been cooked or something, and that a cooked pea shouldn't sprout. So, gross. Peas are gross anyway and this is one more reason why I will not be eating them.

So tomorrow we are scheduled for an office viewing of my vacation photos. I am not even joking about this. It has been scheduled since Monday. I don't know if words can express how excited I am for this, but I will try: I am not excited at all. There, I think that just about does it. That should be incredibly awkward.

Just now my boss was like, "What are you working on over there?" Probably on account of my furious typing. ( I always type furiously when I'm blogging, it makes me feel like F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, I don't know if he typed furiously but probably.) So anyway, I just gave the vague answer of "Oh, some e-mails." So now I'm kind of busted and I better do something work related. Meh.

It's not that helpful after all.

2010-08-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

The other night I was driving around.
In my car.
My sister Adriane was with me.
This is important.
No, not really that important.
It was raining.
The roads were wet.
A red light came on in the car.
It said BRAKE.
I said, what is that light?
Adriane said, I think it means be careful.
I thought it was so nice of my car.
Warning me that the roads were wet.
And that I should be careful when braking.
Wow, car, you really care about me!
How does my car know the road is wet?
I don't know.
Science, I guess.
Surely if there was an issue,
The light would say CHECK BRAKES.
Or something more foreboding.
So with my car's helpful warning I made it home safely.
Then today I was driving again.
Just to work.
I took the freeway.
Because I was in the mood to drive fast.
And then that light was back.
The road was dry.
Dry, dry, dry.
Still optimistic, I thought,
Maybe my car is giving me driving tips!
It's telling me hey, Erin, it's OK to use the brakes.
You're getting a little crazy there.
I know you want to go fast.
But I think you should BRAKE.
Thank you, car.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Then I got to work.
I googled my car manual.
That light means there is a problem.
Thanks a lot, car.
Thanks for nothing.

2010-08-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

The worst part about vacation is being back at work! Ugh. Time goes by, so sloooooowly...

I guess when I said I'd make a real post at some point, I meant at some point later today. So. What do you want to talk about? I guess I will just do a day-by-day rundown of the trip and then if I get bored, I will post pictures of Greek street cats, because they are adorable and it's my blog.

Anyway.

Day 1: Fly to Rome. There are no pictures of this. The flight is 10-ish hours long (after the shorter 4-hour flight to Charlotte.) We arrive in Rome around 9AM on...

Day 2: Arrive Rome. Arrange for a shuttle to the hotel. Endure the most terrifying drive of our lives. Apparently in Rome there aren't any actual lanes of traffic, and maybe not even any traffic laws at all. There is only a traffic free-for-all, complete with little motorbikes dodging and weaving. Truly frightening. Fortunately we made it to the hotel alive, only to find out we couldn't check in for about 4 hours. We met up with some other Contiki girls and ventured out to find lunch. After meeting up with our group that evening, we had dinner then went out for a night time walking tour of the city. We saw the Spanish Steps, Trevi Fountain, Pantheon, Piazza Navona, other things I am probably forgetting, and ate gelato.

Day 3: We take a tour of the Roman Forum and the Coliseum, then head over to the Vatican. We have a tour guide who carries a bandana on a stick and constantly says "Con-tee-keee! Woo-hoo! Follow the red flag! Don't leave me behind!" We have headphones and she speaks to us through a microphone. It's highly amusing. I take illegal pictures inside the Sistine Chapel. Part of me hates breaking the rules; the other part of me really wants the pictures, and everyone else is doing it...

Day 4: We leave Rome and head down the coast to Sorrento, where we eat, shop, and enjoy the view. In Sorrento I consume massive quantities of fresh buffalo mozzarella, for which I will make no apologies. We sample Limoncello, which is gross, and eat gelato, which is delicious. And we have a pizza party.

Day 5: We take a ferry to the Isle of Capri. We then take a boat tour on horrible choppy seas. I focus on not throwing up, but manage to snap a few pictures as well. The water is clear and blue and the views are amazing. We eat more pizza and more gelato, and buy more souvenirs. That night we celebrate my birthday at midnight in an English pub in Sorrento. I get a Murano glass necklace from the tour manager, because it's blue like Sorrento, plus a double cheek kiss. Not a bad start to year number 30.

Day 6: We leave Sorrento and head to Pompeii. On the bus I get a happy birthday serenade in Italian, and enjoy views of the Bay of Naples as we drive. We spend a little time touring Pompeii and I am sad to report to Adriane that your children's books left out the fact that the town was basically an ancient Las Vegas, only worse. For realz dudes, those Pompeiians were crazy. But it was impressive and old and enjoyable. Then we continued on across the whole width of Italy to Brindisi, where we catch the overnight ferry to Greece.

Day 7: We arrive in Corfu bright and early after a night of sleeping on tiny bunk beds on the ferry. We spend the day in Corfu shopping, eating, and wandering around on narrow streets. We see the Old Fortress, which has amazing views of the sea...maybe the Adriatic? That night we go to a traditional Greek dinner where I celebrate my birthday again. 3 girls are having birthdays, so we drink champagne, I think are sung to, and then get kissed on the cheek by all the boys on the tour. Humiliating, slightly, fun, definitely.

Day 8: Today we go on Georges Boat. I know, you'd think there should be an apostrophe in that word, but there isn't. I don't know why. Perhaps his name is Georges. Most people on Corfu are named either Spiros or Georges, so that is entirely possible. On Georges Boat you do whatever you want. We go to an island or a beach or something where we do water sports, then make various stops where people jump off the boat and swim in the Ionian Sea. I hide under my towel and try not to get sunburned. We also eat delicious tzatziki and bread and tomatoes and olives, do Greek dances around the boat, and take turns singing our national anthems. After Georges Boat takes us back to Corfu, we go to a toga party with a few other groups, where we get a lesson on authentic toga styling and generally behave like fools.

Day 9: Another day, another boat. This time we take a short ferry ride to the mainland of Greece, or something near there, to begin the long drive to Athens. We stop for lunch and have gyros, which are cheap and amazing. We also stop at the Canal of Corinth, where we spend 3 seconds snapping photos and then eat ice cream from a mini-mart. On the ride to Athens our manager shows us the map of Athens and all the streets we can't walk on, lest we be mugged by Albanian street gangs. Good times. We have dinner out and then go back to the hotel, where there is a roof deck with an amazing view of the Acropolis.

Day 10: We take a driving tour of the city and a walking tour of the Acropolis. It is hot and crowded, but fun. It is our last day together as a group, and we go out to dinner at a traditional Taverna. There are kittens in the restaurant and they are adorable. Wild street cats, yay Greece! We eat way too much Greek food, then head to a bar for a final drink where we take stupid photos with our tour manager and get ready to say goodbye.

Day 11: We start the cruise. Back to the Port of Pireus, where we board the Aquamarine for our voyage on the high seas. Or something. Not everyone from the first part of the trip opted for the 3-day cruise, so it's a bit of a different group. On the first day we sail to the Greek island of Mykonos. We get there around 5PM and have until 10 to explore the island. We wander, we shop, we get lost in the labyrinth of streets that are meant to block the wind and confuse pirates. I keep saying things are beautiful, which is so trite, but I don't know what else to say. Mykonos was brilliant. We saw the sunset over the ocean then headed back to the boat for mediocre food and some much-needed sleep.

Day 12: First stop is Kusadasi, Turkey, which- surprise!- is in Asia! Yes! An entire new continent is added to our trip. Here we take a tour of ancient Ephesus. These ruins are fantastic- just really, really impressive. Then we watch a demonstration on Turkish carpets and drink apple tea. The rugs are awesome, but at 300 Euros and up, slightly beyond our price range, so we head to the main bazaar to do some bartering. I fail massively at bartering because it's completely unnatural, but do come away with some cool jewelry, ceramics, tea, and of course- Turkish delight!

Our second stop is Patmos, which is fitting because after John was exiled from Ephasus, they sent him to Patmos. In Patmos we take a tour of the island and get to visit the Cave of Revelation, which is supposedly where John received the Revelation from God, and wrote the book of, you guessed it, Revelations! You couldn't take any pictures inside the grotto but it was pretty amazing to sit in there and think about how God spoke to John in that very same place. You know, if the stories are true, anyway. The shopping in Patmos was great, of course, and it was a fun place to wander around.

Day 13: We stop at Heraklion, Crete, for no apparent reason. There is nothing within walking distance of the port, and it's Sunday so everything would be closed anyway. We spend a long time docked here. It's boring. We are annoyed. Finally we set sail for Santorini, the island you think of when you think of Greece. We get there with only 3-4 hours to spend before we have to head back to Athens, but manage to tour the two main towns on the island, Oia and Thira. We take pictures, we shop, we wander. We ride donkeys. It is terrifying. Seriously, I thought I might die, but figured if I did, at least I died riding a donkey in Santorini.

Day 14: We arrive back in Athens are are booted off the ship at the crack of dawn. Or 7AM, same difference. We have the entire day to kill. Fortunately this time our hotel is in a much safer area, and we're able to come and go to shops and restaurants without fear of being robbed at knife point. We shop. We eat gyros. We eat ice cream. We lounge on the roof deck and enjoy an even better view of the Acropolis than the first hotel had. We pack. We repack. We throw away clothes so we can fit our souvenirs into our bags.

Day 15: This is the end. We catch a cab to the airport at 7AM. We undergo questioning by multiple airline employees about when and where we packed our bags. We wait. The flight is supposed to be 11 hours, but it's a bit shorter. In Philadelphia, we spend an hour and a half going through customs. The 4-hour flight to Phoenix is the longest flight ever, but finally we make it home, where we eat Taco Bell and go to bed only to wake up at 3AM.

Phew. That was a long post and it's still not time to go home. What the heck.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted...

2010-08-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

I'll probably write a real post later, but in case anyone is interested in looking at 400+ vacation photos, here they are:

http://picasaweb.google.com/112092376198634785979/20100804ItalyGreece2010?authkey=Gv1sRgCJeW4_vF89PgXg&feat=directlink

I labeled some but that's a lot of pictures to go through so I guess if you want specifics on something just ask. And I really don't expect anyone to actually look at all of these, but, you know. There they are.

It's All Greek to Me

2010-07-29T07:36:00.000-07:00

Hi dudes! You know I had to do that. Anyway, hello from Athens! We arrived yesterday but that's getting ahead of myself. Last we spoke I think I was in Sorrento. We went to Capri on a ferry, then took a boat ride around the island. I was seasick but did not vomit on the boat (or at all), yay me. We celebrated my birthday at an English pub in Sorrento then the next day did some other stuff that I can't recall at the moment. We took an overnight ferry to Corfu, Greece. Um..did some stuff. Shopped, went to a fortress, ate Greek food. Yum. Went on another boat ride but this one was not too rough. I'm trying to rush so other people can use the computer so sorry for the lame details. Today we went to the Acropolis and tomorrow we start on our cruise. I'll just have to talk when I get back but at least you will know I'm having fun. :) See you soon~!