I'll Blog All Over You
I stabbed myself with an aloe plant and now I'll probably get an infection and my finger will fall off and it will be really ironic because aloe is supposed to have magical healing powers but instead it's going to turn me into a cripple and I don't even have accidental death and dismemberment insurance so I won't even get any richer because of it.
See, on Saturday I went with a group from church to do some yard work for a guy who needed help. Now there's my idea of yard work, which consists of pulling up any weeds that are within view of the street, and then there is the kind of yard work we were enlisted for, which involves removing basically the entire desert from around a house. Which is to say, it's actually work.
At the end of the work day, it somehow came to pass that the man we were helping was digging out aloe plants from his front yard and passing them out to the ladies, I guess because everyone knows that ladies love plants, especially when they saw the guy dig the plant right out of the ground before their very eyes. Swoon. Right? That happens. At first I declined the aloe plant because dudes, I can't even see the dirt in my backyard and to plant the aloe I'd have to first pull the weeds and that's too much work for me. But the man just kept digging up more and more aloe plants and I couldn't just let an innocent plant die (which is not to say I can't kill an innocent plant, because I definitely can, and will) so I was all, okay! I'll take an aloe! And I did, I took that aloe and carried it with me from the man's house to the church and from the church back to my house. At which time I was like, I'm hot and dirty and tired, I'm not dealing with this plant right now. And I tossed it on top of the recycle bin in the garage because if I took it inside the house the cat would eat it and maybe die or at least puke everywhere and if I can't deal with a plant I sure can't deal with cat vomit.
Then today I needed to throw something in the bin and I opened the lid and the aloe plant started to slide off and I grabbed for it and it stabbed me with its pointy little spine and now here I am with a gangrenous finger that will almost definitely be falling off any time now. I mean, it's not red or anything but it does hurt and that's how things like this happen. One minute you're totally fine and the next minute your skin has turned black and shriveled up and your bone falls out. It happened to my old cat once so that's how I know. First she had a normal leg, then a bone foot, then she became a pirate. That really happened, I am not even exaggerating. Ask my sister. Anyway I tried to tell my coworker about how we need to get an AD&D plan in place for when I lose my finger and he said it doesn't pay for fingers anyway, I'd probably need to lose my whole hand, and that's way too much of a hassle.
See, on Saturday I went with a group from church to do some yard work for a guy who needed help. Now there's my idea of yard work, which consists of pulling up any weeds that are within view of the street, and then there is the kind of yard work we were enlisted for, which involves removing basically the entire desert from around a house. Which is to say, it's actually work.
At the end of the work day, it somehow came to pass that the man we were helping was digging out aloe plants from his front yard and passing them out to the ladies, I guess because everyone knows that ladies love plants, especially when they saw the guy dig the plant right out of the ground before their very eyes. Swoon. Right? That happens. At first I declined the aloe plant because dudes, I can't even see the dirt in my backyard and to plant the aloe I'd have to first pull the weeds and that's too much work for me. But the man just kept digging up more and more aloe plants and I couldn't just let an innocent plant die (which is not to say I can't kill an innocent plant, because I definitely can, and will) so I was all, okay! I'll take an aloe! And I did, I took that aloe and carried it with me from the man's house to the church and from the church back to my house. At which time I was like, I'm hot and dirty and tired, I'm not dealing with this plant right now. And I tossed it on top of the recycle bin in the garage because if I took it inside the house the cat would eat it and maybe die or at least puke everywhere and if I can't deal with a plant I sure can't deal with cat vomit.
Then today I needed to throw something in the bin and I opened the lid and the aloe plant started to slide off and I grabbed for it and it stabbed me with its pointy little spine and now here I am with a gangrenous finger that will almost definitely be falling off any time now. I mean, it's not red or anything but it does hurt and that's how things like this happen. One minute you're totally fine and the next minute your skin has turned black and shriveled up and your bone falls out. It happened to my old cat once so that's how I know. First she had a normal leg, then a bone foot, then she became a pirate. That really happened, I am not even exaggerating. Ask my sister. Anyway I tried to tell my coworker about how we need to get an AD&D plan in place for when I lose my finger and he said it doesn't pay for fingers anyway, I'd probably need to lose my whole hand, and that's way too much of a hassle.
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