I'm Melting

I keep trying to write this post about how I got a facial and it was weird but I'm having trouble with my words. Or my motivation. That motivation, it keeps going missing. I guess I should know by now that disappearing is my motivation's usual M.O., and stop being so puzzled when keeps happening.

Anyway. I went to get a facial at the beauty college. The beauty college is awesome because it's decent and super cheap and you get free nail polish. Except not when you get a facial, because that would be weird. So I went for a facial. My facial student guy was this middle-aged dude named Joe/Joey/Jose. He introduced himself as Joey, everyone else called him Joe, and his name tag said Jose. Joey Jose was not very chatty, which is fine- neither am I. But at one point he was wrapping a hot towel around my face or something and, after not speaking the entire time, he leaned in close and kind of talk-whispered something like, Erin, is this ok? and it was super creepy because I was not expecting it and my eyes were covered and yeah...

Oh, this story!!!! This is the worst story ever! After my facial was over, Joey Joe gave me his card and was all, Erin, I love your hair. I want to...and he kept making these chop chop a-line motions around his face. So I guess Joey Joe wants to chop my hair off? And condition it, I think.  And I was like oh, yeah, definitely! Even though I don't want my hair chop chopped off, and I don't want it done by a student no matter how awesome the beauty college may be. Not even for free nail polish. They probably don't give you free nail polish when you get a hair cut anyway.

Right now my coworker is sending a fax only he never monitors his faxes, he just puts them in and wanders off, and the fax machine is spewing his pages all over the floor and I do not feel inclined to pick them up even though it drives me absolutely flippin' nuts that there are papers spilling everywhere. I think I will run over them with my chair to teach him a lesson.

I'm having a meltdown right now. If my boss keeps coming over here and talking to me while eating peanuts or crackers or any other food that I don't want to smell, well...I probably won't do anything. But I'll be really grossed out, that's for sure. So there.

Not Suitible for Consumption.

I want to eat some pizza. Every day, all I want is pizza. For a while it was soft pretzels, and now it's pizza. Yum, pizza. It's like I'm a 12-year old boy. It is not awesome, because I can't actually have pizza every day. I mean, I guess I could, but, you know. Sometimes you have to be a grown up and eat a vegetable.

Sometimes.

My coworker and I are plotting how we can get out of here early today. It's not working so far, as it's nearly 11 and we're still here. Too bad, because if I left early I'd probably have time to get some pizza. As it stands, I have to eat frozen ravioli and underripe pineapple. Nom nom nom, lunch of champions. Or maybe champions don't eat lunch, because they are too busy championing at that time of day. I'm not really sure.

Remember my awesome glittery cake I bragged about? Um, yeah. Yeah. I think the Bible says something like, "Pride goeth before a fall" and in this case it was a literal fall- all over the garage floor, where I'd hidden the cake because it was an abomination. I guess I should say that in my defense I was pretty satisfied with the construction, but the fondant was a complete disaster, and the cake came out looking like it was hastily thrown together by monkeys. And not baker monkeys, but maybe some other kind of monkey. Probably a bassoon-playing monkey that doesn't have a lot of experience in making topsy-turvy cakes. So that was a failure. I'm due to make a wedding cake in approximately 2 weeks and my confidence is slightly shaken. But there's no fondant or topsy-turviness involved in the wedding cake so I shall press on and hope for the best. Or something.

Just now my boss passed through and was all, "Has the phone even rung?" and I said no, because that is the truth. This is a good sign. Soon he will probably say, go ahead and go. And then I'll run out of here screaming and waving my arms in the air like...a crazy person. No, I'm not really going to do that. Or maybe I am. I guess you'll never know, unless you're spying on me, and if you are spying on me, well, that's weird and creepy.

Good news kids, just heard the Boss tell someone on the phone that he's going to tell everyone to take off at noon. Woo-hoooooo for leaving early on the holiest of holy Christmas Eve eve. Fingers crossed that no one does anything crazy like call in with an issue and ruin Christmas. Because if they do, I will stab them. Mentally.

Merry Christmas.

And Another Thing

Guess what I got, dudes.
Silverware.
Ha.
I have serious issues. Seriously. I'd show you a picture but I'm at work and my silverware is not here with me, even though it probably should be, because then I could admire how shiny it is and how many spoons there are. There are many, many spoons. If you ever come to my house and want to use a spoon, I'm going to be so ready for that. I'll be like, a spoon? Why yes, I do have a spoon. What kind of spoon would you like? A tiny spoon? A normal spoon? A teaspoon? A soup spoon? A serving spoon? I have all those things. I have an abundance of spoons, and it is good.

I'm working on the cutest project for a Christmas present. I wish I could show you but I can't go posting pictures of top secret Christmas presents on the internet. It would ruin the surprise. I know, because I look at my stats, and I know who is reading this blog. So that's another thing that's happening but you'll just have to take my word for it. It's really cute though, believe me. You guys would get a kick out of it.

I'm also making a cake. I think it's going to be pretty awesome- it's awesome in my mind, at least. I'd show you a picture of it but it's not really ready yet. So try to envision some kind of delicious and fancy but fun party cake, and that's probably pretty much what it looks like. Or will look like, in the end. When I get around to it. Try to envision glitter on it, too. I'm hoping there will be glitter.

Now that I've got my semi-antique silver flatware, I've moved on to a new obsession. Can you guess? If you guessed DRUMS- you're right! I really want a drum kit. Because I really want to bang on it and make a loud racket and learn to play along with my Coldplay CD. JK JK JK. I want to play along with this one Matchbox 20 song that goes duh-duh, duh, duh-duh duh duh duh duh. Or something like that. I don't know. It sounds cool when I play along on my steering wheel but it'll sound even more cool when I play along on my actual drum kit. And I already have sticks so I'm pretty much set, except for the drums. And maybe a place to keep the drums. Whatever, details shmetails. I'm not worried about that. I just want to hit things. So if I can't have a drum, I'd like a heavy bag and some boxing gloves.

Santa? Are you reading this?

Uncle Warren?

Anyone?

JK JK JK.

 Well, better do some insurance now. 3 day week, this is. Thank the Lord.

I break all the rules.

Ever since I looked at the monkey orchestra catalog online so I could find pictures to show you guys, all my targeted ads are for places like Brooks Brothers and Saks. It appears I have tricked the internet into thinking I'm rich. Right on. Tricking the internet is almost definitely the first step to actually being rich. It's too bad I'm not actually rich (No thanks to you, Warren Buffett) because then I'd buy you all monkey orchestras and Brooks Brothers' suits and things of that nature. And not just for Christmas, either. I'd but you those things on some ordinary Tuesday, just to show that I care. Because that's the kind of person I am. Rather, that's the kind of person I'd be if I had tons of money to burn. Since I'm not that kind of person just yet, you'll have to be happy with the gift of this blog.

Ha ha ha. Oh, I kill me. I really do.

Listen- Coldplay- A Rush of Blood to the Head. I am obsessed. I know I am approximately 73 years behind the rest of the world with being Coldplay-obsessed, but I cannot get enough of this song. I listen to it on repeat, sometimes. And then when it comes up on my Pandora it's like a special little gift from God. I'm sure God cares if I get to hear Coldplay. I'm sure of it.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, I was going to tell you about this massive headache I have, on account of this massive to-do list I have, and this seemingly miniscule amount of time I have to get it done. Miniscule is not a word? My spell check says no but I'm pretty sure it is. Hmm. So yeah, I have this to-do list, and it involves things like making 6 cakes, and making gallons of frosting, and many pounds of fondant. And any one of these things on its own is nothing, really, no big deal. But all of them together are almost more than my brain can process. I'm pretty sure the headache is a direct result of my brain trying to explode. I mean, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's just how it works. Science, you guys. Science.

I read this list of 8 things you should never do on your blog and I'm pretty sure one of them was "Never have a blog that has no cohesive subject." So, I'm doing that wrong. And yet you little jokers keep coming back. I know, because I see you on my stats. Oh, that was another thing you weren't supposed to do- be obsessed with your stats. You also aren't supposed to talk about wanting to get rich off your blog.  Gah. I'm breaking rules all over the place! That's how I roll.

No, no it isn't. Except apparently it is. Oh well. I'm going to try and get over it by eating ice cream. I hope you have a nice weekend. I'll be baking one thousand cakes.

This blog needs more pictures so please enjoy this painting of a rodent of unusual size. I meant to make the tail pink but I messed up. Deal with it.

I just realized the ice cream I am about to enjoy came from Dairy Queen, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Berkshire Hathaway, which means that instead of getting rich, I am continuing to help Warren Buffett get richer. Oh man, oh man, oh man. That's messed up. Additionally, wholly is a stupid word. That is all.

Things Rich People Like

I have a lot to do today. A lot. So it makes sense to not do any of it and come here instead, to discuss something that's been troubling me.

The other day at lunch I was looking at this catalog that we got. I came across this item:

In case you can't tell what that is, it's a monkey orchestra. A porcelain monkey orchestra. And I was like, BJ! I found what I am getting you for Christmas! Because really, what is a more ridiculous and funny gift than a monkey orchestra?

And then I saw the price. $1750. For one monkey. Technically, $1750 for the cheapest monkey- the triangle player. Ranging up to $2750 for the conductor. So to own this entire monkey orchestra, you'd be looking at around $14,000.

For porcelain monkeys.
Playing instruments.

What?

Why?

No, but really. Why?

Warren Buffett, would you spend $14,000 on a monkey orchestra? I think not.

I'm almost certain that for $14,000 you could buy a plane ticket to India, obtain actual live monkeys, teach them to play instruments, dress them in little outfits and go on tour as the one-and-only monkey orchestra. You'd almost definitely get rich off of this scheme.

Not so with the porcelain monkeys. With the porcelain monkeys, you have to spend $14,000 to get them. Plus shipping. Then they just sit around, not actually playing music. Then your kid breaks one and you're like, That was a $2000 porcelain trumpeting monkey! What is wrong with you? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!!!

I might not be cut out for richness.

Another thing I guess rich people like is a nice footstool. Shaped like an animal.

Here is an assortment that I gathered from their website. It's worth noting that these footstools cost less than a single monkey, so even though they look pretty luxurious and fancy, they're actually quite affordable. I think when you're rich you probably like to come home after a hard days work, relax with your feet up on your leather lion, and admire your porcelain monkey orchestra. What a life.

I guess that's all I have to say about that. I hope one day I'm rich though because I really want that bear. It would look great in my living room.

Because I said so.

My hands smell like oranges.
That is the precise reason why I never eat oranges.
But those little cuties...
I had no idea they'd be so delicious.
So now I eat the cuties.
And then I deal with orange hands.
I guess it's better than fish hands.
I hate fish.
I ate M&Ms for breakfast.
And a latte.
Sometimes my coworker brings me a latte.
He pays for it with the office credit card.
So it's not a super generous gesture.
But I don't care about that.
I just care about free Starbucks.
Today I have Ben Franklin hair clips.
They are fantastic.
I got them for my birthday.
One each from 2 separate people.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Just kidding.
That doesn't even apply to this situation.
Listen, I have a new obsession.
It's vintage silverware.
I know, right?
I am obsessed.
I look at it on eBay all day.
Literally all day.
I am watching like 6 different auctions right now.
Now that I am obsessed with silverware,
I want it immediately.
Clearly I need nice silverware for all my fancy parties.
Oh, that's right.
I don't have fancy parties.
But maybe I would, if I had nice silverware.
So even though there are bills to pay,
And Christmas/Birthday/Graduation gifts to buy,
I will get some new silverware.
Soon.
I bet.
I will report back if I end up with fancy silver.
I will report back even if I don't.
Because this is my blog and if I don't report,
There won't be anything to read.
And you'll be like, come on, post something.
I know, because that's how I feel
About Every. Other. Blog. I read,
That can never update enough for my voracious reading habit.
Haha.
Oh, I had a few rants I wanted to post.
Because they aren't really worthy of being fleshed out.
So here you go.
LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS!
THE PURPOSE OF THE ON RAMP IS TO GET UP TO FREEWAY SPEED!
That's all.
Oh, get this.
Yesterday I was driving home.
I got to an intersection where I needed to make a left turn.
It's a left on green arrow only turn.
And the green arrow just stopped working.
Like, I saw the green arrow when I was lining up in the turn lane.
But then it didn't come any more.
We waited through 3 turns.
No more green arrow.
So then we all decided to be law breakers.
I hate that.
It gave me massive stress.
But I had to do it.
I turned left on a red arrow.
Ughhhhh.
Anyway, it's over now.
But it was a big deal at the time.
Really stressful.
Just thinking about it makes me want to eat infinity mini Snickers.
So, I will.
Good day.