The Evil I've Done
It has been brought to my attention that I am most likely a murderer. Before you prepare your arguments about how stepping on a spider or accidentally hitting a rabbit with my car is not murder, hear me out. I am talking about actual murder. Of an actual, living human being. Shocking, right? I know! Imagine how I feel, having gone around for 28 years acting all smug and pious and non-murderous, when it turns out that I've probably killed my twin. In the womb.
That's right. I was a baby murderer. Meaning I was a baby when I did it, and it was a baby that I killed. There is some scientific evidence (I'm not going to post it here, but you can Google, if you wish) that suggests that all left-handed people started out as twins and at some point the weaker (right-handed) twin was killed off. Scientists estimate that one in eight people started out as a twin, but only one in 70 people actually has a twin. What happened to the rest of those twins? Hmm? I killed them, that's what. Well, I didn't kill all of them, but I killed mine. It's all very sinister. And it makes sense then that sinister means on the left side, unlucky, of ill omen by reason of being on the left side. It's all starting to come together. I love science.
It's too bad about all the killing because I have always wanted a twin. There are a lot of shenanigans that twins can pull off that non-twins can't.
The upside to all of this is that I can now relate to Dwight Schrute from The Office, who said, "When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby" I think this is true for me as well- it explains why I rarely get sick and why I can run my fastest mile while eating an Atomic Fireball. Think about that for a moment.
I guess the point of this story is that you all better watch out- I've killed before and I'll do it again.
Epilogue:
Just now I was signing the invoice for the bug-spraying man and he said, "Oh, you're a lefty too!" and I wanted to be all, "Yeah, I'm a lefty and a MURDERER! So are you, and I'm not talking about bugs!" But for all I know he didn't kill his twin, so I kept quiet. For now.
That's right. I was a baby murderer. Meaning I was a baby when I did it, and it was a baby that I killed. There is some scientific evidence (I'm not going to post it here, but you can Google, if you wish) that suggests that all left-handed people started out as twins and at some point the weaker (right-handed) twin was killed off. Scientists estimate that one in eight people started out as a twin, but only one in 70 people actually has a twin. What happened to the rest of those twins? Hmm? I killed them, that's what. Well, I didn't kill all of them, but I killed mine. It's all very sinister. And it makes sense then that sinister means on the left side, unlucky, of ill omen by reason of being on the left side. It's all starting to come together. I love science.
It's too bad about all the killing because I have always wanted a twin. There are a lot of shenanigans that twins can pull off that non-twins can't.
The upside to all of this is that I can now relate to Dwight Schrute from The Office, who said, "When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby" I think this is true for me as well- it explains why I rarely get sick and why I can run my fastest mile while eating an Atomic Fireball. Think about that for a moment.
I guess the point of this story is that you all better watch out- I've killed before and I'll do it again.
Epilogue:
Just now I was signing the invoice for the bug-spraying man and he said, "Oh, you're a lefty too!" and I wanted to be all, "Yeah, I'm a lefty and a MURDERER! So are you, and I'm not talking about bugs!" But for all I know he didn't kill his twin, so I kept quiet. For now.
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