This Is How It Goes

I am finished with my work and have nothing to work on at the moment.
I think to myself, I will write a blog. That will kill some time.
I look deep into my mind for blog ideas.
I come up empty.
I google "What should I blog about?"
Google has some ideas. They are stupid. Google shows me a list of 10 reasons you should write a blog.
I will dissect that list and see if my blog qualifies as serving a purpose or if I am just wasting the internet.

1. To Express Your Thoughts and Opinions
  Hmm. Yes, my blog does do this. Whether my thoughts and opinions are valid, or if anyone even cares about them, is up for debate.


2. To Market or Promote Something
  I guess I am promoting that I am a bad employee. That is probably not good. I should probably market myself as the hardest worker ever. Got that, readers? I am a hard worker. I do tons of work all the time, all day. It's really hard. Efficiency. Jargon. Skillset. Wheelhouse.

3. To Help People
  Um, this is possibly the most helpful blog on the whole internet. Sometimes you guys are probably having a crummy day and you are like, I am stupid, life is so dumb and unfunny. Then you read my blog and you are like, well, at least I am not that stupid and my life does not involve selling insurance and listening to people make gross mouth noises. And then you feel better! And I am like, There, I helped! Or maybe I tell you important news, such as news about killer babies and monster pollen and bunnies. Without me, you wouldn't even know! Indeed, this is a very helpful blog.

4. To Establish Yourself as an Expert
  Maybe we skip this one.

5. To Connect With People Like You
  As if. There are no people like me. There are only people who aspire to be like me.

6. To Make a Difference

  Does it make a difference to you whether I post or not? I think you have your answer.

7. To Stay Active or Knowledgeable in a Field or Topic

  I am incredibly knowledgeable in the field of killing time while working, taking up valuable internet space with mindless ramblings, and alienating people with my sense of humor. I consider that a success.

8. To Stay Connected with Friends and Family

  Every so often someone will mention something I wrote on my blog, and I didn't know they even read my blog. And then I am embarrassed. And a lot of times I am writing something and I think about all the family members that could be reading it and I pause. Then I usually post it anyway. And then they are probably like, wow, she really posted that. Also, the only people that read my blog are friends and family. Once I thought I had a random reader but then it was just my cousin using a code name. Oh, my sister's roommate who I don't really know reads my blog, so that's kind of random. And awesome. But now I just called her out on it so she'll probably unfollow me. Dang it. Don't unfollow me, Adriane's roommate! If Warren Buffett sends me money I will give you some for being my first (and only) semi-random follower.

 

9. To Make Money

  I wish! How many times did I ask Warren Buffett and other people to send me cash and prizes? A lot. And how many times do you suspect that actually worked? That's right, none. None times. Rich people and corporations are lame. It's like they think they earned their money and shouldn't just pass it out all willy-nilly to any old person who asks for some.

10. To Have Fun and Be Creative

  This! This is my purpose! Insurance is perhaps not the most creative industry and it is definitely not fun so if I want any of that action while I'm at work, I have to do it here. Ta-da!

YES! My blog does all of this! That means I win. I win at blogging. I win at the internet. VICTORY IS MINE!

Dear Warren Buffett,

If you know what is good for you, you will want the winner of the internet on your team. Please send funds.

Thank you.